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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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U.S. Men's Gymnastics Team: 'Win Or Lose, We Will Cry'

BEIJING—After settling for bronze in the Team Artistic Gymnastic event Tuesday, the U.S. men's team promised reporters that, for the remainder of the Olympics, they would weep wholeheartedly before events, mist up despite themselves while performing flairs, and sob uncontrollably in either victory or frustration following every routine. "Whether we are shedding lonely but triumphant tears because no one believed in us, or exultant tears of joy and disbelief because our teammate stuck the perfect landing following a triple back-somersault, I guarantee that together, we will shed tears at all times," said gymnast Jonathan Horton. "We will hold our quivering chins high even if the handles on the pommel horse become slick with sweat. Or tears." Team members Paul and Morgan Hamm, who were unable to attend the Olympics due to injuries, were reportedly crying in sympathy after learning the team had won a medal without them.

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