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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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U.S. Men's Gymnastics Team: 'Win Or Lose, We Will Cry'

BEIJING—After settling for bronze in the Team Artistic Gymnastic event Tuesday, the U.S. men's team promised reporters that, for the remainder of the Olympics, they would weep wholeheartedly before events, mist up despite themselves while performing flairs, and sob uncontrollably in either victory or frustration following every routine. "Whether we are shedding lonely but triumphant tears because no one believed in us, or exultant tears of joy and disbelief because our teammate stuck the perfect landing following a triple back-somersault, I guarantee that together, we will shed tears at all times," said gymnast Jonathan Horton. "We will hold our quivering chins high even if the handles on the pommel horse become slick with sweat. Or tears." Team members Paul and Morgan Hamm, who were unable to attend the Olympics due to injuries, were reportedly crying in sympathy after learning the team had won a medal without them.

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