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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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U.S. Middlemen Demand Protection From Being Cut Out

WASHINGTON, DC—Some 20,000 members of the Association of American Middlemen marched on the National Mall Monday, demanding protection from such out-cutting shopping options as online purchasing, factory-direct catalogs, and outlet malls. "Each year in this country, thousands of hard-working middlemen are cut out," said Pete Hume, a Euclid, OH, waterbed retailer. "No one seems to care that our livelihood is being taken away from us." Hume said the AAM is eager to work with legislators to find alternate means of passing the savings on to you.

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