U.S. Military Clears A-Team Of Charges

Top Headlines


Fargo on FX

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

How Grand Juries Reach A Decision

The recent non-indictments of police officers Darren Wilson and Daniel Pantaleo have shed light on the secret process of grand jury deliberations, by which a group of ordinary citizens hears a case from a prosecuting attorney and privately decides whe...

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.

Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed

LEXINGTON, KY—Following a pedestrian stop Monday night during which they fired their weapons on a suspicious individual, patrol officers for the Fayette County Police Department were pleasantly surprised to discover the man they shot was armed, sour...

3-Day Waiting Period Leads To Far More Feasible Murder Plot

MASON CITY, IA—Saying that the past 72 hours offered him plenty of time to pause and reflect, local man Andrew Boyle told reporters Tuesday that the state’s three-day waiting period to purchase a handgun had allowed him to devise a far more pr...

FBI Raids Kennedy Fundamentalist Compound

HYANNIS PORT, MA—In a surprise predawn raid Monday, heavily armed FBI agents stormed the notorious Kennedy Compound in Massachusetts, reportedly arresting more than two dozen key members of the faction and exposing many of the bizarre inner workings...

Criminal Prosecuted To Fullest Extent Of Budget

STOCKTON, CA—Concluding proceedings of a case that will now be sent to a jury it lacked the means to properly vet, San Joaquin District Attorney James Willett told reporters Monday that he believes his office prosecuted a suspected murderer to the f...

Paranoid Oscar Pistorius Still Thinks Burglar After Him

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Insisting that the dangerous individual could be literally anywhere right now, a paranoid, wild-eyed Oscar Pistorius was reportedly overheard muttering to his defense lawyers numerous times during his murder trial Thursday tha...

Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn’t Be That Hard To Rob

LAWRENCE, KS—Citing a range of factors from the lack of security glass to the fact that the cash register is situated right next to the front door, a report published Thursday confirmed that robbing the BP gas station at Reynolds and Murray wouldn...

Highlights From Ariel Castro’s Courtroom Statement

Ariel Castro, the 53-year-old Cleveland man who abducted, imprisoned, and repeatedly raped three women over the course of 11 years, made a brief statement during a court hearing Thursday, shortly before he was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

Dick Van Dyke Finally Confesses To Zodiac Killings

MALIBU, CA—Saying he had wanted to talk about the subject for years but feared it would damage his career, beloved entertainer Dick Van Dyke confessed Wednesday to being the infamous Zodiac Killer, the serial murderer who terrorized Northern Califor...

Tim Tebow’s Former Teammate Charged With Murder

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Adding yet another wrinkle to the football player and media sensation’s eventful offseason, authorities confirmed today that a former teammate of New England Patriots quarterback Tim Tebow has been arrested and charged with murd...

The Case For And Against George Zimmerman

FOR Typed, signed letter from Martin confirming he attacked Zimmerman Americans have soft spot for nation’s rugged, rawly sexual neighborhood watch volunteers Actions fall within the letter of Florida’s “Get Out Of Your Car, Trac...

Athlete Arrested

HOUSTON—According to numerous sources, a star athlete of the city’s professional sports team was reportedly arrested in the late hours of yesterday evening. A police report confirmed that the high-profile player faces multiple charges, includi...

Popeye's Home Boiglerized

SWEETHAVEN VILLAGE—According to a report filed with the Sweethaven Police Department, the private residence of sailor man Popeye was violently boiglerized at approximately 4:30 a.m.

Co-Op Casino Robbed Again

ANN ARBOR, MI—The member-owned-and-operated casino known as the Sunshine & Sharing Gaming Cooperative was robbed Tuesday for the fourth time...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times



Fargo on FX

U.S. Military Clears A-Team Of Charges

WASHINGTON, DC—After more than 30 years spent hiding in the Los Angeles underground as wanted criminals, the members of the crack commando unit Alpha Team, commonly known as the A-Team, were cleared of all charges brought against them by the U.S. military, an army official announced Monday.

The A-Team circa 1984.

"In 1972, we arrested the members of the A-Team for a crime they swore they didn't commit," Gen. Stephen Lupo said. "They broke out of our maximum-security stockade, and from that moment forth, I thought of nothing but their recapture. However, a recent audit of their file has revealed that the arrest of the Alpha Force members was made in error. The U.S. military deeply regrets the mistake."

According to Lupo, the A-Team members' exoneration will occur before the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Armed Forces on Aug. 24.

Just hours after Lupo's announcement was made, Cpt. H.M. "Howlin' Mad" Murdock, the A-Team's pilot, resurfaced to speak with journalist Amy Allen, who often reported on the mercenaries' charitable acts.

"For decades, we've been forced to live in the shadows," Murdock said. "Somehow, we always found a way to help people who had nowhere else to turn, but we operated under the constant threat of recapture. Finally, the nightmare is over."

Added Murdock: "Owooohh, I'm a little doggie! Ow ow owooohhhh!"

Murdock and the surviving members of the team—the classically handsome Lt. Templeton Arthur "Face" Peck and the Mohawk-sporting mechanic, Sgt. Bosco "B.A." Baracus—said their joy over the announcement was tempered only by regret that their de-facto leader, Col. John "Hannibal" Smith, was not alive to see their names cleared.

"Somewhere up there, Hannibal is smiling down on us—maybe disguised as a giant crocodile or a wealthy diamond merchant," Peck said. "He loved it when a plan come together."

"More than any of us, he would have enjoyed seeing the look on [Col. Roderick] Decker's face when our innocence was announced," Peck continued. "Decker hated Hannibal ever since they served together back in 'Nam. Decker never could stand his cocky attitude."

Smith was gunned down in front of a Las Vegas casino in 1994.

The A-Team members said that, although they presume the army's offer of freedom is legitimate, they have taken precautions.

"We formed a backup plan in case things turn out to be on the jazz," Peck said, using the team's code phrase for a troublesome situation. "Murdock's gonna perch a helicopter on top of the courtroom. B.A. found a broken Howitzer in a junkyard, got it working again, and got it mounted in our van. We also have a whole team of troubled teens B.A. befriended and taught valuable lessons. They placed explosives throughout the courtroom and along our subterranean escape route. If need be, they'll blow that courtroom apart."

Peck admitted that their escape plan might be too crazy to work, acknowledging the possibility that he will be punched in the face during the escape. He also noted that stacks of cardboard boxes might break the falls of the military personnel thrown into the air by the A-Team's explosives.

"Just to be safe, I romanced a beautiful court stenographer and convinced her to smuggle some smoke bombs in with her," Peck said. "All in a day's work."

President Bush presents Baracus with a long-overdue medal of honor.

Lupo said he expects an uneventful trial, explaining that, as restitution for the military's mistake—a typo which attributed crimes committed by the H-Team to the A-Team—the court will award Peck, Murdock, and Baracus honorable discharges, a written apology from Decker, and 32 years' back pay.

Murdock said his primary concern at present is getting Baracus to fly from L.A. to Washington, D.C. for the trial.

"He keeps calling me a 'crazy foo' for trying to get him to fly," Murdock said. "I told him the chance of the plane crashing into a field of rednecks harassing a religious group was very slim. I'm thinking that if we drug his milk, we can get him on the plane."

Baracus said that he has big plans for his settlement.

"For the last 30 years I've been a soldier of fortune," Baracus said. "Now, I'm going to take the money and do something for the kids. I'm gonna start a gym. A gym for the kids. For a long time, that's been my dream. But I couldn't open one with [Gen. Hunt] Stockwell on our tail. He'd use a tank to send shells through the side of it."

Added Baracus: "I pity the fool that tries to blow up my gymnasium now!"

While the original members of the A-Team have been exonerated, the same cannot be said for Frankie "Dishpan" Santana, a special-effects expert who helped the team escape Stockwell's clutches in 1986. Santana, who remains charged with dereliction of duty, desertion, and insubordination, spoke with reporters from a holding pen at Fort Bragg.

"I suppose it would be too much to ask the guys to break me out now that they're finally legit," Santana said. "If I'm lucky, maybe they'll put me in a cell that has a blowtorch in it for some reason, or air ducts large enough to crawl through. Or maybe they'll just do a sloppy job of guarding me—but that may be too much to ask."

Within hours of his interview, Santana escaped using a blowtorch to open the cell's air ducts while the guards were having lunch in a different room. His whereabouts are currently unknown.

Crime Video