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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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U.S. Navy Creates Cool New 'Ping' Sound

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Navy announced Monday that field tests of a cool new "ping" sound, a $3 billion project in development since the Cold War, have been an overwhelming success. "The Navy will begin retrofitting all destroyers, supercarriers, and nuclear submarines with the new sound immediately," said chief of naval operations Admiral Gary Roughead, who described the sound as "like a metallic-y sonar blip, but kind of loud like a torpedo siren." "We are extremely proud to continue the fine naval tradition of cool, important-sounding noises." Roughead refused to go into detail about the technical specifications of the new noise, saying only that its sound signifies the imminent death of everyone aboard.

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