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U.S. No Longer Responsible For Lost Or Stolen Items

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

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‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
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U.S. No Longer Responsible For Lost Or Stolen Items

WASHINGTON, DC–Holding aloft a box of unclaimed coats, wallets, and in-line skates labeled "Cincinnati," Secretary of the Interior Bruce Babbitt announced Monday that the federal government is no longer responsible for personal items lost or stolen within U.S. borders.

A sign at the U.S.-Mexico border reminds citizens to look after their own belongings.

"Effective immediately, the U.S. will not be held accountable for anything that happens to citizens' eyeglasses, baseball caps, Walkmans, outdoor grills, or Chevy Impalas–or any other items that are misplaced, broken, or stolen on U.S. premises," Babbitt said. "Your personal effects are your own responsibility, folks."

According to Babbitt, the warning "Please Watch Your Belongings At All Times... Thank You!" will be printed on all future Social Security cards. In addition, more than 50,000 signs reminding citizens of the government's immunity from liability will be posted at border crossings and international airports, as well as along federal highways.

"The government cannot and should not be expected to do everything for the American public," Babbitt said. "In the past, we tried to hold items found lying around the U.S. for at least 30 days. Unfortunately, it was creating all sorts of havoc. People were claiming items that weren't theirs, pleading to be let in to look for keys and purses after the government's 5 p.m. closing time, and demanding reimbursement for lost articles."

Added Babbitt: "If anyone has a complaint about our new policy, they're more than welcome to fill out a citizen comment card."

Jan Murphy, a Hastings, NE, bakery-shop owner, is among the 3.5 million Americans to file a compensation claim for personal items stolen within U.S. borders since Jan. 1.

Some of the 30 million unclaimed items still being held at the Department of Lost and Found.

"While visiting a friend in Florida in late March, my camera was swiped right out of my car," said Murphy, who plans to sue the federal government if she isn't reimbursed the camera's $195 cost. "This shows gross negligence on the part of the U.S. government, to be unaware of what's happening right on its own property. As a taxpaying customer of this country, I think I have the right to expect a certain basic level of security and precautionary measures on the part of management."

The new no-liability measure is not without precedent. In July 1998, the Department of Health and Human Services introduced a "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Social Services" policy. Last November, signs were posted in all U.S. Capitol bathrooms reading, "Elected Officials Are Required To Wash Hands Before Returning To Work."

As a result of the new policy, more than 1,500 federal lost-and-found centers will be closed and 72,000 workers laid off.

"I've had people accuse me of mishandling or losing their belongings, or even stealing them," said Gordon Townsell, a newly unemployed lost-leather-goods clerk. "Some guy can't find his gloves, and suddenly it's my fault. Hey, I'm not the one who left them on a table smack-dab in the middle of Connecticut."

According to Townsell, citizens are becoming increasingly careless with their possessions as they become ever more reliant on the federal government for services.

"You wouldn't believe some of the stuff people leave behind in this country," Babbitt said. "Along with about 400,000 umbrellas–and some of these are $40 or $50 umbrellas–we're expected to hold on to some guy's speedboat found off the coast of Miami until he finally notices it's missing? The United States government is not your mother."

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