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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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U.S. Not Planning To Attack Iran, Says U.S. Iran War Czar

USS STENNIS, PERSIAN GULF—U.S. Iran War Czar Gen. Glenn Jacobs, the general director of the U.S. Center of the Invasion of Iran, announced Monday that neither the United States government nor the 30,000 troops aligned along Iran's border have any plans to invade the "dangerous and belligerent" Middle Eastern country. "We're simply taking every precautionary measure we can to maintain the peace between the two countries, such as making sure we have enough cruise missiles to carry out that peace, taking comprehensive aerial photographs of Iranian bombing targets, and calculating how many lives would be lost if we did invade Iran, which we're not going to do," Jacobs said while studying a video simulation of what a wide-scale assault on Iran would look like. "We don't even have the manpower for that kind of operation yet." According to a statement from the White House, the recently reopened position of U.S. Cold War Czar will be filled soon.

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