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U.S. Now 40 Percent Sports Paraphernalia

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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U.S. Now 40 Percent Sports Paraphernalia

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a geological survey released Tuesday by the U.S. Department of the Interior, 40 percent of the nation's total land mass is now composed of sports paraphernalia. Among the paraphernalia: Ken Griffey Jr. Donruss Leaf rookie cards; Starter-brand Miami Heat windbreakers; Frank Thomas MLB replica batting helmets; limited-edition Green Bay Packers Super Bowl XXXI commemorative mouse pads; NASCAR set-of-four drink coasters; officially licensed Team USA replica Olympic hockey jerseys; The NBA's Greatest Slams videotapes; 1992 Notre Dame-Florida Sugar Bowl game programs; and Milwaukee Bucks "Tasmanian Devil" key chains.

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