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U.S. Now 40 Percent Sports Paraphernalia

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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U.S. Now 40 Percent Sports Paraphernalia

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a geological survey released Tuesday by the U.S. Department of the Interior, 40 percent of the nation's total land mass is now composed of sports paraphernalia. Among the paraphernalia: Ken Griffey Jr. Donruss Leaf rookie cards; Starter-brand Miami Heat windbreakers; Frank Thomas MLB replica batting helmets; limited-edition Green Bay Packers Super Bowl XXXI commemorative mouse pads; NASCAR set-of-four drink coasters; officially licensed Team USA replica Olympic hockey jerseys; The NBA's Greatest Slams videotapes; 1992 Notre Dame-Florida Sugar Bowl game programs; and Milwaukee Bucks "Tasmanian Devil" key chains.

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