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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

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President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

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Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

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With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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U.S. Offers PlatinumPlus Preferred Citizenship

WASHINGTON, DC—In an 86-14 vote, the Senate approved legislation Monday establishing PlatinumPlus Preferred citizenship, an exciting new program offering special benefits and discounts to select members of the U.S.

President Clinton tells a group of PlatinumPlus Preferred citizens about the many benefits they will enjoy as members.

"By becoming a PlatinumPlus citizen, you join an exclusive club of elite Americans," said President Clinton, who signed the bill into law late Monday. "And as part of that club, you'll be eligible for many special benefits, including tax breaks, excusal from jury duty, and vacations at special PlatinumPlus Caribbean resorts, which are off-limits to ordinary, EconoBudget citizenry. It's our way of saying thank you to our best customers."

"And, of course," Clinton added, "there are never any annual fees."

PlatinumPlus citizens—selected according to a number of demographic factors, including age, race and socio-economic status—will enjoy a wide variety of other benefits, including immunity from speeding tickets; separate, no-wait lines at over 50,000 post-office locations nationwide; and wider, more comfortable window seating.

PlatinumPlus citizens Connie and Russell Brodhagen of Del Mar, CA, enjoy a round of golf in a members-only, walled-in golfing facility in East Los Angeles, undisturbed by the surrounding war zone of urban poverty.

After just one year in the club, members can also begin earning extra votes for elections. "Wouldn't you like to earn up to five bonus votes for the next presidential election?" said U.S. Rep. Roger Wicker (R-MS), a co-sponsor of the measure. "With your new PlatinumPlus citizenship, you can."

According to Wicker, those at the highest level of the new program, or "Diamond Club" citizens, will enjoy additional rewards, including a pass good for acquittal from one crime (misdemeanor or felony), a no-interest credit line of up to $500,000 and, for able-bodied male PlatinumPlus members between ages 18 and 35, excusal from the draft should a foreign war arise.

Gordon Alarie, CEO of the Dallas-based Integrated Systems Management Group, was among the first to receive a PlatinumPlus citizenship offer in the mail. "As CEO and founder of a Fortune 500 corporation, I've contributed a great deal to the U.S. over the years," Alarie said. "It's nice to know that now, with the PlatinumPlus Preferred citizenship program, I'll finally start getting something back."

Rosalyn Murcheson Biddle, a Scarsdale, NY, art collector, was also extended an offer to join. "The PlatinumPlus-only express lanes on the highways are nice, and so are the unlimited drinks," Biddle said. "But what I really like is the program's Gold Circle Premium Health Care package, which gets me access to the finest medical care anywhere. It's nice to know that if I ever get too wrapped up in a car-phone conversation and hit another vehicle, emergency workers arriving on the scene will prioritize my injuries over those of any other people who may have been hurt."

Added Biddle: "The free cancer inoculations are a nice plus, too."

Clinton stressed that those not eligible for PlatinumPlus citizenship will still enjoy the many benefits of regular U.S. citizenship, including one free vote in each election, a court-appointed attorney if arrested, and a number of fully guaranteed constitutional rights, including freedom of speech and the right to bear arms.

"To our nation's EconoBudget citizens, I want to assure you that you will still get the same great service from your government that you always have," Clinton said. "The postal delivery, the voting, the Social Security checks—it's all still part of the basic citizenship package. And while, yes, a few certain special privileges will be off-limits to you, that should in no way make you feel like a second-class citizen. Remember, we are all Americans here, no matter how poorly or well we are treated."

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