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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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U.S. Olympic Hockey Team Continues 26-Year Streak Of Non-Miraculous Play

TURIN, ITALY—The U.S. men's hockey team, the lowest-ranked of all national squads going into Wednesday's quarterfinals with a 1-3-1 record, is continuing a tradition of non-miraculous play that began immediately after the medal ceremony of the 1980 Olympic Games in Lake Placid, NY. "Assembling our nation's best hockey talent on a single team might seem like a formula for miraculous on-ice achievement, but this turns out not to be the case," U.S. head coach Peter Laviolette said following his team's 5-4 defeat at the hands of the Russian squad Tuesday. "But there's lots of problems. It's hard for some of the NHL players to work together, the larger ice surface leads to more fatigue than players expect, and frankly, even if we beat everyone, it's hardly a 'miracle' if our pros beat their pros anyway." Many fans have come to the team's defense despite the their poor Olympic showing, saying that such phenomena as Chris Chelios playing at his advanced age, the presence of a Hispanic hockey player, and the fact that NHL players have agreed to play for free are all minor miracles.

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