adBlockCheck

U.S. On Verge Of Full-Scale Government Hoedown

Top Headlines

Politics

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

U.S. On Verge Of Full-Scale Government Hoedown

Lawmakers in both parties practice their steps in advance of the looming government hoedown.
Lawmakers in both parties practice their steps in advance of the looming government hoedown.

WASHINGTON—With legislators unable to reach an agreement on health care and other issues before the start of the new budget year, Washington insiders confirmed Monday that the United States is rapidly approaching a full-scale government hoedown.

Already donning the bib overalls, Stetson hats, and festive gingham skirts that they will wear throughout what is expected to be a long and strenuous hoedown, legislators on both sides of the aisle told reporters that there is little chance of Democrats and Republicans negotiating a last-minute deal that would forestall a countrified barn burner the likes of which the federal government has never before seen.

The full-blown hootenanny will officially commence at 12:01 a.m. Tuesday morning at the first sound of the fiddler’s reel, lawmakers have confirmed.

“We passed a bill, we sent it to the Senate, they opted not to act in the best interests of the American people, and now we are unfortunately headed for a long and costly hoedown that could have been avoided,” said House Speaker John Boehner, clad in a handsome collar tip western shirt with a bright white kerchief tied at the neck. “By stubbornly refusing to pass a one-year delay of Obamacare and a permanent repeal of the medical device tax, the Senate has essentially made this hoedown an inevitability, and ensured that it will be among the most rootin’est and tootin’est in memory.”

“Once midnight hits, all there will be left to do is take your partner by the hand and fall in step with the country band,” Boehner continued.

According to congressional sources, the impending government hoedown could last well nigh until the crow calls, and government officials have already begun the process of raising barns and loading thousands of hay bales into the nation’s capital in preparation for a rousing display of square dancing, jigs, cake walks, and promenades, danced two-by-two.

Washington observers have noted that the imminent government hoedown will be the first of its kind since the prolonged hoedown of 1995 and 1996 that forced legislators to curtsy and patter their way through a marathon 21 days of foot-stomping and country waltzes before at last coming to terms on a federal budget agreement.

However, Democratic leaders have stated that tomorrow’s looming shindig could have been averted were it not for the lack of cooperation from across the aisle.

“The most extreme members of the Republican Party believe they are proving a point by allowing this hoedown to occur, but all they are doing is playing a dangerous game of partisan brinksmanship,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, as a nine-man jug band set up their fiddles, banjos, and washtub bass on the rostrum behind him and ran through a spirited rendition of “Turkey In The Straw.” “By tacking on policy prescriptions to a spending bill and seeking to undo a law that has been on the books for three years, they’ve forced us to lift our feet and set them down, swing our honeys go round and round, with a do-si-do and away we go!”

“Woo-ee!” concurred House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, lifting her skirts and stepping out onto the hay-strewn Capitol rotunda.

At press time, the Dow Jones Industrial Average had fallen by more than 120 points in advance of the federal government all joining hands and circling wide.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close