adBlockCheck

U.S. On Verge Of Full-Scale Government Hoedown

Top Headlines

Politics

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

Trump’s Potential VP Picks

Here is a guide to presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump’s potential running mates in the 2016 presidential election

47 Weak-Willed Senators Bend To Interests Of Powerful American People

WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.

Nation Clinging Desperately To Brief Inspirational Moment Before Being Thrust Back Into Raging Election Maelstrom

WASHINGTON—Following Hillary Clinton’s primary victories Tuesday that presumably secured her place as the first woman in U.S. history to receive a major party’s presidential nomination, citizens across the nation admitted to reporters they were desperately clinging to the brief moment of inspiration before they are inevitably thrust back into the raging black maelstrom of the 2016 election.

Campaign Announces Clinton Has Entered Incubation Period After Securing Nomination

Candidate Transitioning Into Mature Presidential Form Inside Cocoon, Aides Say

NEW YORK—Immediately after she clinched the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the Democratic presidential nomination Monday night, campaign aides announced that Hillary Clinton had retreated to a dark corner of her Brooklyn headquarters and entered the beginning of a 16-week incubation period.

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

U.S. On Verge Of Full-Scale Government Hoedown

Lawmakers in both parties practice their steps in advance of the looming government hoedown.
Lawmakers in both parties practice their steps in advance of the looming government hoedown.

WASHINGTON—With legislators unable to reach an agreement on health care and other issues before the start of the new budget year, Washington insiders confirmed Monday that the United States is rapidly approaching a full-scale government hoedown.

Already donning the bib overalls, Stetson hats, and festive gingham skirts that they will wear throughout what is expected to be a long and strenuous hoedown, legislators on both sides of the aisle told reporters that there is little chance of Democrats and Republicans negotiating a last-minute deal that would forestall a countrified barn burner the likes of which the federal government has never before seen.

The full-blown hootenanny will officially commence at 12:01 a.m. Tuesday morning at the first sound of the fiddler’s reel, lawmakers have confirmed.

“We passed a bill, we sent it to the Senate, they opted not to act in the best interests of the American people, and now we are unfortunately headed for a long and costly hoedown that could have been avoided,” said House Speaker John Boehner, clad in a handsome collar tip western shirt with a bright white kerchief tied at the neck. “By stubbornly refusing to pass a one-year delay of Obamacare and a permanent repeal of the medical device tax, the Senate has essentially made this hoedown an inevitability, and ensured that it will be among the most rootin’est and tootin’est in memory.”

“Once midnight hits, all there will be left to do is take your partner by the hand and fall in step with the country band,” Boehner continued.

According to congressional sources, the impending government hoedown could last well nigh until the crow calls, and government officials have already begun the process of raising barns and loading thousands of hay bales into the nation’s capital in preparation for a rousing display of square dancing, jigs, cake walks, and promenades, danced two-by-two.

Washington observers have noted that the imminent government hoedown will be the first of its kind since the prolonged hoedown of 1995 and 1996 that forced legislators to curtsy and patter their way through a marathon 21 days of foot-stomping and country waltzes before at last coming to terms on a federal budget agreement.

However, Democratic leaders have stated that tomorrow’s looming shindig could have been averted were it not for the lack of cooperation from across the aisle.

“The most extreme members of the Republican Party believe they are proving a point by allowing this hoedown to occur, but all they are doing is playing a dangerous game of partisan brinksmanship,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, as a nine-man jug band set up their fiddles, banjos, and washtub bass on the rostrum behind him and ran through a spirited rendition of “Turkey In The Straw.” “By tacking on policy prescriptions to a spending bill and seeking to undo a law that has been on the books for three years, they’ve forced us to lift our feet and set them down, swing our honeys go round and round, with a do-si-do and away we go!”

“Woo-ee!” concurred House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, lifting her skirts and stepping out onto the hay-strewn Capitol rotunda.

At press time, the Dow Jones Industrial Average had fallen by more than 120 points in advance of the federal government all joining hands and circling wide.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close