adBlockCheck

U.S. On Verge Of Full-Scale Government Hoedown

Top Headlines

Politics

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

U.S. On Verge Of Full-Scale Government Hoedown

Lawmakers in both parties practice their steps in advance of the looming government hoedown.
Lawmakers in both parties practice their steps in advance of the looming government hoedown.

WASHINGTON—With legislators unable to reach an agreement on health care and other issues before the start of the new budget year, Washington insiders confirmed Monday that the United States is rapidly approaching a full-scale government hoedown.

Already donning the bib overalls, Stetson hats, and festive gingham skirts that they will wear throughout what is expected to be a long and strenuous hoedown, legislators on both sides of the aisle told reporters that there is little chance of Democrats and Republicans negotiating a last-minute deal that would forestall a countrified barn burner the likes of which the federal government has never before seen.

The full-blown hootenanny will officially commence at 12:01 a.m. Tuesday morning at the first sound of the fiddler’s reel, lawmakers have confirmed.

“We passed a bill, we sent it to the Senate, they opted not to act in the best interests of the American people, and now we are unfortunately headed for a long and costly hoedown that could have been avoided,” said House Speaker John Boehner, clad in a handsome collar tip western shirt with a bright white kerchief tied at the neck. “By stubbornly refusing to pass a one-year delay of Obamacare and a permanent repeal of the medical device tax, the Senate has essentially made this hoedown an inevitability, and ensured that it will be among the most rootin’est and tootin’est in memory.”

“Once midnight hits, all there will be left to do is take your partner by the hand and fall in step with the country band,” Boehner continued.

According to congressional sources, the impending government hoedown could last well nigh until the crow calls, and government officials have already begun the process of raising barns and loading thousands of hay bales into the nation’s capital in preparation for a rousing display of square dancing, jigs, cake walks, and promenades, danced two-by-two.

Washington observers have noted that the imminent government hoedown will be the first of its kind since the prolonged hoedown of 1995 and 1996 that forced legislators to curtsy and patter their way through a marathon 21 days of foot-stomping and country waltzes before at last coming to terms on a federal budget agreement.

However, Democratic leaders have stated that tomorrow’s looming shindig could have been averted were it not for the lack of cooperation from across the aisle.

“The most extreme members of the Republican Party believe they are proving a point by allowing this hoedown to occur, but all they are doing is playing a dangerous game of partisan brinksmanship,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, as a nine-man jug band set up their fiddles, banjos, and washtub bass on the rostrum behind him and ran through a spirited rendition of “Turkey In The Straw.” “By tacking on policy prescriptions to a spending bill and seeking to undo a law that has been on the books for three years, they’ve forced us to lift our feet and set them down, swing our honeys go round and round, with a do-si-do and away we go!”

“Woo-ee!” concurred House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, lifting her skirts and stepping out onto the hay-strewn Capitol rotunda.

At press time, the Dow Jones Industrial Average had fallen by more than 120 points in advance of the federal government all joining hands and circling wide.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close