U.S. Open Organizers Apologize For Obscene Amounts Of Tennis

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Vol 46 Issue 36

Classic Movie 'Avatar' Updated For Today's Audiences

LOS ANGELES—Paramount Pictures confirmed Monday the Dec. 23 release date for Avatar 2KX, a remake of the beloved 2009 sci-fi thriller Avatar that will bring the story into the modern era with faster-paced action sequences and cutting-e...
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CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

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U.S. Open Organizers Apologize For Obscene Amounts Of Tennis

NEW YORK—Members of the United States Tennis Association offered a public apology Monday for the ungodly amount of tennis that has been played, promoted, and discussed during the past two weeks of the U.S. Open. "We want everybody to know we realize how much tennis is going on right now, and we understand how truly sickening that must be for all of you," USTA executive director Gordon Smith said. "Men's tennis, women's tennis, doubles tennis, amateur tennis—did you know we even have a tournament for wheelchair tennis? It's just a shitload of tennis, and we are really goddamn sorry about it." Smith added that even though it's gotten to the point where he never wants to see another tennis racket in his life, it's still pretty cool when Roger Federer hits the ball really hard between his legs.

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