U.S. Populace Lurches Methodically Through The Motions For Yet Another Day

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Vol 35 Issue 12

Glandular Problem Forces Man To Eat Fifth Helping

FREDERICKSBURG, MD—Born with a rare, debilitating glandular disorder, 450-pound Fredericksburg resident Gordon Hotchkiss, 41, helped himself to a fifth serving of mashed potatoes Monday. "Why, oh, why, was I chosen by God to suffer from this horrible blaaarghmum?" bemoaned the stricken Hotchkiss, helplessly shoveling fistfuls of buttery mashed potatoes into his mouth. "What have I done to deserve this awful glomphummm?" Hotchkiss' condition, known within medical circles as "bigfatfuckitis," also prevents him from using the stairs instead of the elevator to get to his second-floor apartment.

Second-Grade Music Student Goes Nuts With Cowbell

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Lakeview Elementary School second-grader Andrew Armbrister went completely nuts with the cowbell during music class Monday, ferociously banging on the percussive instrument for more than five minutes in an effort to produce the loudest sound humanly possible. "Ah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah," the 7-year-old Armbrister shouted atonally to augment the performance, drowning out music teacher Brenda Noonan's impassioned appeals for him to stop. Noonan told reporters that in the future, Armbrister would be assigned triangle duty.

Starlet-Viewer Age Difference Quickly Calculated

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Alarmed Grand Rapids data-entry clerk Clifford Gornowicz, 33, quickly calculated the age difference between himself and 17-year-old Tonight Show guest Gaby Hoffman while watching the program Monday. "Man... 16 years," Gornowicz said to himself after host Jay Leno disclosed the actress' age. "That means she wasn't even born when The Empire Strikes Back came out. Oh, God." Gornowicz has reportedly not been this distressed since Christina Ricci.

Borrowed CD Slowly Integrated Into Own Collection

OLYMPIA, WA—An Elvis Costello CD belonging to area resident Jonathan Wagner, 24, has entered the final stage of de facto ownership by friend Doug Alland, sources reported Tuesday. "For the first four or five days, I kept Jon's copy of Blood & Chocolate alone on top of my CD player," Alland, 23, said. "Then, for about a week and a half, I had it next to a stack of my own CDs that I'd been listening to." Alland said he then worked the album into the adjacent stack, eventually filing it away in his own CD shelf, where it will remain permanently, unless Wagner specifically asks for it back. "I'm way more into that album than Jon is, anyway," said Alland, defending the gradual acquisition. "He barely ever even played it." In 1997, Alland made news for a spectacular nine-stage acquisition of Down By Law on videocassette.

Colorful Multicultural Mural Celebrates Diverse Lack Of Talent

COLUMBUS, OH—A brightly colored multicultural mural on the side of the Walker Street Community Center has brought together Columbus' many diverse ethnic communities in a celebration of talentless painting. "The young people of this city have given us something we truly can kind of be proud of," City Councilman Terrence Fordham said Monday at the bad mural's dedication ceremony. "These ham-fisted dollops of garish paint and barely recognizable human figures are a joyous tribute to the gorgeous mosaic that is Columbus."

On The Road Again

I am sorry to say that Standish and I are no longer under the protection of the Burger-King. At the end of the first day of asylum, the diplomat known as "Dale—Crew Manager" informed us that we had been mistaken for two other "senior-citizens" who apparently also sought refuge with the fabled monarch of meat.

This Year's Tri-County Agribusiness Awards Were A Damn Travesty

As you no doubt know, this past Monday night was the Tri-County Agribusiness Awards, the gala annual event honoring the best in agriculture sales and marketing in the tri-county area. As is the case every year, I was really excited to watch the show. But after seeing who took home the coveted Aggys this year, I swear, I'm never watching again. The 1999 Tri-County Agribusiness Awards were nothing but a damn travesty!
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U.S. Populace Lurches Methodically Through The Motions For Yet Another Day

The wall-eyed, slack-jawed U.S. populace, beaten down into a state of near-catatonia by the relentlessly deadening banality of their joyless, insipid lives, dutifully trudged through the motions for yet another emotionally blank day Monday, sources reported.

U.S. Populace Lurches Methodically Through The Motions For Yet Another Day

Shopper

Against all logic, the nation's citizenry, their insides withering away with each passing moment, somehow managed to continue filling out invoices, shopping for footwear, loading dishwashers, eating Whoppers, pressing buttons, watching reality-based TV programs, vacuuming floors, engaging in conversations about petty office politics, riding buses, sitting in traffic, mailing letters, and tending to the little rubber mats people wipe their feet on as they enter the lobby areas of vast, windowless industrial complexes. How they managed to do it, no one can say.

The populace's minor victory of continuing to participate in the meaningless charade that is their lives, sources said, was rendered all the more futile by the inescapable realization that they must do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and so on and so on unceasingly until the day they inevitably die.

"Hello, Tri-State Amalgamated Office Supply, a division of Global Tetrahedron International Unlimited, customer-service hotline, can you please hold?" said 37-year-old Sandy Lindemeyer of Garland, TX, barely summoning the strength to push the button activating her headset. The incident marked the 13,227th time she has uttered the pre-scripted greeting.

After hearing a heavy sigh on the other end of the line, followed by a barely audible reply of "Yes," Lindemeyer somehow found the will to press a second button, patching the person into a pre-recorded, continuous message loop telling the caller, Lindemeyer's 714th of the week, that his or her call was important to Tri-State Amalgamated Office Supply and would be answered by the next available customer-service representative.

Elsewhere, in the suburban wasteland of Schaumburg, IL, frigid housewife Ellen Campion, 42, her face an impenetrable mask of detachment, drove her 1991 Toyota Camry through a seemingly endless sprawl of strip malls and convenience stores, eventually arriving at the bloated expanse known as Woodfield Mall, where she purchased a pair of shoes.

Worker

"This morning, as my husband and I stared blankly at each other's faces over breakfast, I mentioned that I saw an ad in the paper for a sale on ladies' footwear at Marshall Field's. He asked if I was planning to go, and I told him I guessed maybe," Campion said. "So after he dragged himself to work and I gazed at the wall for a few hours, I went to the sale."

Looking down at her feet, Campion added, "They're nice shoes, I suppose."

"Today is Wednesday," said Waltham, MA, resident Gregory Pafko, 50, an actuary for a screen-door manufacturing company in nearby Plovis. "Wednesday is 'Hump Day.' If I can get through Hump Day, I'll have made it halfway through the week."

"Then again," Pafko added, "every day is Hump Day, really." Later, as he does every day, Pafko headed to the company bathroom and sat for 20 minutes with a loaded gun in his mouth. Once the shakes subsided, he removed the bullets from the gun and returned to his desk.

According to experts, as American society slides ever-downward into the swirling vortex of nothingness that saps our wills, numbs our hearts and freezes our very souls in an impenetrable layer of black, icy futility, the importance of going through the motions only grows.

Eater

"As James Joyce showed in his classic novel of modernity Ulysses, just making it through one day in this world constitutes a heroic achievement," Yale University English professor M. Clement Voorhees said. "God knows how unrewarding it is for us to endure each day's pointless, relentless barrage of non-events. I'm surprised we're able to do it at all. But continuing to go through the motions is crucial, because if everyone stopped faking, we'd..."

Voorhees then trailed off, remaining silent for several moments while rubbing his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said. "I forgot what I was going to say."

In a perfunctory attempt to acknowledge the nation's collective pyrrhic victory, President Clinton thanked and congratulated the populace Monday for continuing to participate in the meaningless fictions that comprise their daily existences.

"My fellow Americans," Clinton told a national television audience, "you have truly accomplished a great feat today. By continuing to get out of bed, wash yourselves, dress, work, shop, watch COPS, surf the Net with WebTV, and put food into your bodies at regular intervals to sustain your metabolic functions, you have shown the world just how willing-to-live the American people can pretend to be."

Following the broadcast, the president endured several minutes of smiling handshakes before excusing himself to the Oval Office restroom, where he splashed water on his face, leaned on the sink and stared unblinkingly into his weathered, exhausted reflection, wondering how he was going to face the next day.

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