adBlockCheck

U.S. Postal Service Destroyed By Four Reckless Teens In Car

Top Headlines

Government

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NSA: ‘Can Somebody Good At Computers Help Us?’

FORT MEADE, MD—Explaining that things weren’t working right and he didn’t know why, visibly frustrated National Security Agency director Michael S. Rogers called a press conference Thursday afternoon to ask if somebody good at computers could help out the intelligence organization.

Secretary Of Interior Unveils Plans For New High-Speed Creek

WASHINGTON—Calling the $650 million project the “future of America’s pastoral waterways,” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell unveiled the agency’s plans for a new high-speed creek Thursday that would reportedly connect Weybridge, VT with the adjacent town of Addison.

The Pros And Cons Of Affirmative Action

The Supreme Court upheld a challenge to the University of Texas at Austin’s affirmative action program Thursday, reigniting debate over the merits of policies that favor members of groups frequently targeted by discrimination. Here are the pros and cons of affirmative action

47 Weak-Willed Senators Bend To Interests Of Powerful American People

WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.

John Kerry Jettisons Russian Henchmen From International Space Station Airlock

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Having stowed away aboard a Soyuz resupply rocket and silently slipped into the International Space Station as part of a high-level fact-finding mission, Secretary of State John Kerry reportedly found himself forced to jettison two Russian henchmen from an airlock Monday after being set upon by the thugs in an ambush that resulted in a violent zero-gravity struggle to the death.

CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools

WASHINGTON—Calling the finding an imminent threat to public health nationwide, horrified officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention convened an emergency press conference Wednesday to announce they had discovered the existence of thousands of public pools throughout the country.

Obama Discovers Telepathic Connection With Military Drone In Afghanistan

‘Our Minds Have Become One,’ Shaken President Says

WASHINGTON—Appearing frightened and confused by his unexplained new powers, President Barack Obama reportedly pulled members of the White House staff aside Wednesday to inform them of his recently discovered telepathic connection with an Afghanistan-based military drone.

The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders

WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.

Pentagon Holds Gala To Celebrate 25 Years Of Bombing Iraq

WASHINGTON—Bringing together the many civilian leaders and military strategists who helped them reach such a historic milestone, Pentagon officials held a lavish black-tie gala Sunday at which, sources said, they commemorated 25 years of the United States bombing Iraq.

How Firearm Background Checks Work

With gun violence in the United States rising to unprecedented levels, many lawmakers have pushed to expand federal background checks for the purchase of firearms. Here’s how background checks are currently conducted

How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America

City Adds Some Big Concrete Stairs

They’re For Sitting On Or Running Up Or Something

CHICAGO—Noting the structure’s considerable size and prominent location in a busy public park, local residents confirmed Tuesday that the city had installed some big concrete stairs that were probably for sitting on or running up or something like that.

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Biden Offers Government Post To Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark

WASHINGTON—Calling the late-night horror film host well-suited for the job “and then some,” Vice President Joe Biden offered Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, an entry-level position within the U.S. Office of Personnel Management, White House sources confirmed Thursday.

Nicaraguan Diplomat Drops Deadly Spider Onto John Kerry’s Blanket

ISLA GRANDE DEL MAÍZ, NICARAGUA—Creeping stealthily into the bungalow where John Kerry lay sleeping after a trade summit Thursday, Nicaraguan Minister of Foreign Affairs Samuel Santos López, illuminated only by a sliver of moon, reportedly slid open the lid of a small pine box and released a deadly Brazilian wandering spider onto the blanket of his American counterpart.

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.

What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations

After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Report Finds Drug Tunnels Most Intact Transport Infrastructure In U.S.

ARLINGTON, VA—Touting the extensive safety precautions, routine maintenance, and limited congestion, a report published Friday by the American Transportation Research Institute revealed that drug tunnels are now the most intact and reliable form of transport infrastructure in the United States.

Vilsack Stays Up All Night With Sick Corn Plant

WASHINGTON—Gently applying a cool cloth to the plant’s kernels as he cradled its frail stalk in his arms, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack stayed up all night caring for a sick corn plant, sources close to the former Iowa governor confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Government

U.S. Postal Service Destroyed By Four Reckless Teens In Car

WASHINGTON—Millions of Americans and thousands of federal employees awoke Monday to find the national mail service in disarray after a group of rowdy teens on a joyride reportedly destroyed up to 90 percent of the postal service's nationwide infrastructure with a baseball bat.

New York's famed post office was reduced to rubble after one of the teens got an especially good whack in on it.

Citing more than $45 billion in damages from the late-night escapade, the United States Postal Service has suspended all mail delivery and requested relief aid to rebuild more than 650 demolished post offices. The agency is also seeking supplemental funding to clean up the letters, packages, and crushed Budweiser can the teens left in their wake.

"These hooligans have absolutely no respect for property, fellow residents, or their country," Postmaster General John E. Potter said as he picked up pieces of the USPS headquarters that had flown across the street and into a neighboring yard. "This is the third postal service I've had to replace this year."

According to police documents, Potter told investigators he was working late at his office Sunday night when, around 11:30 p.m., he heard the sound of a loud muffler and rock music coming from outside USPS headquarters. Potter said he ran outside to see what was happening, but by the time he arrived the teens were speeding off down a gravel road, giving him only enough time to throw a crab apple at the departing car, which he described as "a rusted-out old Buick."

Postmaster General John Potter cleans up the capital in the aftermath of the teens' joyride.

Authorities have thus far not been able to identify the teens responsible, who remain at large and in serious trouble.

"It's those Murphy twins and their no-good friend Tim Strougle," Potter said while shaking a broom. "What they did was destruction of property, plain and simple. Those kids should know better than to tamper with a federal mail service agency—it's a felony."

Potter went on to argue that the irresponsible teens should have to personally pay the rebuilding costs of his agency's infrastructure, a punishment he believes would "teach them a lesson they won't soon forget."

Added Potter, "Someone's going to have to spend a whole day digging a new hole for that foundation."

Though FBI agents assigned to investigate the nationwide act of vandalism would not comment on any potential leads, they did disclose that the task force has ruled out a number of suspects, including those two Anderson boys from just up on Hoyt Road.

"Sure, they've gotten into trouble in the past, but [their father] Dave [Anderson] set them straight after the shenanigans they pulled last Halloween," said Special Agent Brian Richards, who told reporters the FBI was enlisting the help of municipal law- enforcement agencies and snoopy neighbors from across the country in the investigation. "Nor do we have reason to believe that Shane and Lance McMurray were involved in this terrible crime. They're good boys. Mowed my lawn last summer."

Tampa resident Eric Thompson, 39, was one of countless American citizens outraged by the night of teenage mischief.

"I just don't get it," said Thompson, standing in front of his broken local postal branch. "Why would someone want to ruin a perfectly good post office? Don't they have anything better to do? If this is what kids today do for fun, I don't know what to tell you."

Added Thompson: "Now I'm not going to get my magazines until who knows when."

While many Americans remain convinced that whichever local teens are responsible should be punished to the full extent of the law, some feel the public is overreacting.

"Everyone's getting all riled up over nothing," Attorney General Michael Mukasey said. "The U.S. Postal Service got a little banged up—so what? We did the same thing when we were younger."

"Who knows, maybe old man Barrington ran over the damn things," Mukasey added. "He shouldn't even have a license anymore, he's so darn nearsighted. I wouldn't be surprised if he knocked over all those buildings and didn't even realize he did it."

On Tuesday, the USPS announced they have begun taking extreme measures to prevent further destruction of federal property. As part of the new strategy, beginning next month security officers will take posts in the bushes surrounding USPS facilities in all major cities, and a select number of new offices will be reinforced by constructing a smaller office inside a large post office and filling the middle portion with cement.

"I can't wait for one of those punks to take a swing at one of our mail centers after that," Potter said.

According to FBI records, the destruction of the U.S. Postal Service was the most significant incident of rampaging teens since the entire U.S. Air Force was keyed during the homecoming in 1998.

Government Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close