adBlockCheck

U.S. Protests Mexi-Canadian Overpass

Top Headlines

Politics

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

U.S. Protests Mexi-Canadian Overpass

WASHINGTON, DC—After nearly nine years of construction, the Mexi-Canadian Overpass, the controversial $4.3 trillion highway overpass linking Guadalupe and Winnipeg, was finally completed last week, drawing harsh criticism from U.S. citizens and officials alike.

Chrétien and Fox at the official unveiling.

"If you're a Mexican who regularly commutes to Canada, or vice-versa, this is great. But what about all of us poor Americans caught in the middle?" said Dallas resident Tom Hitchner, one of an estimated 850,000 U.S. citizens forced to evacuate their homes to make room for concrete supports for the 1,600-mile, 18-lane overpass. "For Mexico and Canada to do this without any concern for all the Americans whose lives this affects, well, the arrogance is just unbelievable."

"We just recently installed beautiful picture windows in our home," said Fargo, ND, resident Judy Renata, whose house is situated beneath the overpass. "Now, instead of sunlight, we have to look at that monstrosity. We'd sell our place and move elsewhere, but property values have plummeted. I don't know what we're going to do."

In addition to facilitating trade between Mexico and Canada, the overpass is expected to increase tourism in both nations by as much as 60 percent. Boasting hundreds of restaurants, gas stations, and hotels, the state-of-the-art overpass will render it unnecessary for Mexicans or Canadians ever to touch U.S. soil when traveling to and from their respective homelands.

The New Overpass Map

"It would be one thing if we somehow benefited," said Junction City, KS, business owner Neil Grandy. "But because of the way stations, we don't get anything out of it and have to deal with people tossing garbage out of their windows at 80 mph. You wouldn't believe what we've found some mornings. Everything from tamale husks to broken hockey sticks. The people on that bridge are animals."

Americans' hostility toward the overpass only intensified when it officially opened to traffic Monday.

"The noise and dirt of the construction was one thing," said San Antonio, TX, resident Floyd Paymer. "But now, with all the traffic, it's just unbearable. The honking, the chickens, the sound of thousands of cars going back and forth to Canada and Mexico is more than I can take. I can hear those goddamn radios blaring Mariachi music and Rush all day and night."

Despite the public uproar, U.S. leaders say they are helpless to do anything to stop the international project.

"I called up the governments of Canada and Mexico, and, after a lot of runaround, I was informed that the overpass was 'regrettable but necessary,'" Secretary of State Colin Powell said. "We have a petition circulating in the affected areas of the U.S., but since the overpass is already complete, I doubt it will do much good."

The overpass is expected to significantly strengthen Mexican-Canadian relations.

Above: The Mexi-Canadian Overpass looms over a barn in Pawhuska, OK.

"We thought it would be easier to facilitate cultural and economic exchange if the hassle of driving through the U.S. was eliminated," said Mexican president Vicente Fox, downing a shot of Labatts tequila, a new product from the Canadian brewer. "After we started discussing the overpass, it didn't make sense not to do it. Now that it's finished, I can't believe we didn't think of it years ago."

U.S. opposition to the overpass began even before construction began in the summer of 1993. Protests have ranged from thousands of residents linking arm-in-arm in front of bulldozers on both borders to a strongly worded 2001 condemnation from President Bush.

Bush later reconsidered after meeting with Fox and Canadian prime minister Jean Chrétien.

"I don't know what happened in that meeting," Vice President Dick Cheney said. "One moment, George is talking about throwing everything we've got at Canada and Mexico. The next thing you know, he's walking out of the meeting, muttering something about how it looks like we're just going to have to get used to the idea."

Fox said the damage to relations with the U.S. is "lamentable" but "inconsequential when compared to the benefits."

"The Mexi-Canadian Overpass is not merely a bridge made of concrete and steel, but a metaphoric bridge bringing our two great nations together," Fox said. "At long last, the people of Canada and Mexico can finally begin to forge the sort of friendship and understanding that was impossible as long as the U.S. stood between us. This is the dawn of a wondrous new era for the people of Canada and Mexico."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close