U.S. Schools Unveil New Tony Danza-Based Curriculum

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

U.S. Schools Unveil New Tony Danza-Based Curriculum

Focus to Shift from Reading and Math to Likable Veteran Sitcom Star

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Ushering in a new era in American education, U.S. Secretary of Education William Norwell announced Monday that all U.S. public schools will soon switch to a rigorous, Tony Danza-based curriculum.

“As things stand now, our kids simply aren’t learning enough about Tony Danza,” said Norwell, explaining the switch. “Unde r the new plan, by the time every American youngster graduates from high school, they will have a rock-solid foundation in all the basics of Tony Danza.”

Under the new plan, by second grade, all students will have a basic working knowledge of Who’s The Boss.

By sixth grade, all U.S. students will gain full exposure to the first four seasons of Taxi, in addition to a basic familiarity with the 27 post-Andy Kaufman episodes.

By senior year of high school, all students will have gained a broad, sophisticated understanding of every aspect of Danza’s career, including his work in the 1981 film Going Ape!, early television commercials and recent starring role on ABC’s Hudson Street.

“I am confident that America’s children will receive the finest Tony Danza education anywhere on earth,” Norwell said. “And as a result, they will graduate better prepared to face the Tony Danza-related demands of the working world than the youth of any other nation.”

According to a 1990 survey, America’s schools ranked 41st out of 45 industrialized nations in quality of Tony Danza education.

Norwell first came up with the plan after visiting a Spartanburg, SC, high school in 1994.

“I talked to some of the students and was appalled by what I heard,” Norwell said. “There were kids who didn’t know the last name of Tony’s Who’s the Boss character. Kids who had never seen Taxi. There was even one young man who had never even heard of She’s Out of Control, the 1989 comedy in which Tony plays the overprotective father of a boy-crazy teenage girl. That’s just wrong.” O


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close