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U.S. Schools Unveil New Tony Danza-Based Curriculum

Focus to Shift from Reading and Math to Likable Veteran Sitcom Star

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Ushering in a new era in American education, U.S. Secretary of Education William Norwell announced Monday that all U.S. public schools will soon switch to a rigorous, Tony Danza-based curriculum.

“As things stand now, our kids simply aren’t learning enough about Tony Danza,” said Norwell, explaining the switch. “Unde r the new plan, by the time every American youngster graduates from high school, they will have a rock-solid foundation in all the basics of Tony Danza.”

Under the new plan, by second grade, all students will have a basic working knowledge of Who’s The Boss.

By sixth grade, all U.S. students will gain full exposure to the first four seasons of Taxi, in addition to a basic familiarity with the 27 post-Andy Kaufman episodes.

By senior year of high school, all students will have gained a broad, sophisticated understanding of every aspect of Danza’s career, including his work in the 1981 film Going Ape!, early television commercials and recent starring role on ABC’s Hudson Street.

“I am confident that America’s children will receive the finest Tony Danza education anywhere on earth,” Norwell said. “And as a result, they will graduate better prepared to face the Tony Danza-related demands of the working world than the youth of any other nation.”

According to a 1990 survey, America’s schools ranked 41st out of 45 industrialized nations in quality of Tony Danza education.

Norwell first came up with the plan after visiting a Spartanburg, SC, high school in 1994.

“I talked to some of the students and was appalled by what I heard,” Norwell said. “There were kids who didn’t know the last name of Tony’s Who’s the Boss character. Kids who had never seen Taxi. There was even one young man who had never even heard of She’s Out of Control, the 1989 comedy in which Tony plays the overprotective father of a boy-crazy teenage girl. That’s just wrong.” O

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Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

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