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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.
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U.S. 'Sends Message' to Iraq With Massive Display of Beefcake

In a move designed to send a "definite message to the Hussein regime," President Clinton yesterday deployed three divisions of elite American beefcake to maneuver on the exotic, sun-drenched beaches of the Persian Gulf.

President Clinton responded to Iraqi aggression yesterday with a firm display of Grade A U.S. beef, heating up the Arabian sands like never before.

The decision, made in response to recent Iraqi U.N. violations and continued aggression against the Kurds, should put serious international pressure on Iraqi leadership, and is expected to heat up the Arabian sands like never before.

"While, technically, these deployments are merely training exercises, the thump of the disco beat and mouth-watering pectoral flexing and unflexing of these heavenly hunks will no doubt carry a very serious message to the miltary command at Baghdad," Pentagon spokesperson Stephen Galderman said. "That message is clear: One, the United States will not stand for continued Iraqi military expansion, and two, it's raining men."

Galderman later added, "Hallelujah!"

It is hoped that the rock-hard show of U.S. muscle, known to insiders as "Dreamboat Diplomacy," will deter further Iraqi attacks against Kurd encampments to the north, distracting Saddam Hussein and his top military advisors with the chiseled, oiled perfection of American hunkdom.

"My staff and I feel confident that this beefcake is USDA grade-A prime," Clinton told reporters. "Mmm-mmmm!"

While the skies overhead twinkle with the stars of the desert, the twinkling in the eyes of these luscious U.S. lads are sure to have all of Iraq seeing stars of their own. But will Hussein get the message?

Many observers feel the answer is yes. "With his thick mustache and dark features, Saddam Hussein cuts a strapping, manly figure, there's no denying it," said Sen. Clayton Jennings (R-FL), Chair of the Committee on Foreign Policy. "But let's face facts. The man's certainly no match for adorable Anton or great, big Burt."

President Bill Clinton

Marvin Balcombe, head of the prestigious National Foreign Policy Institute in Washington, DC, agreed. "Hussein's continued aggression against the Kurdish people demands a firm response," he said. "And I'm tellin' you right now, you don't get any firmer than this, baby. Six-foot-four, 200 pounds, rippling biceps, washboard abs. We're talking about a muscleboy militia on a mission to ecstasy."

The decision to mount the beefcake display could not have come at a more opportune time. Prolonged economic sanctions against Iraq have left many Iraqis unable to stay as pumped-up as they once were, and their confidence in their appearance is sure to be weakened. It is believed that nearly 70 percent of Iraq's soldiers feel insecure about their looks, especially in a bathing suit. After today's ultra-manly display, they will, U.S. strategists hope, think to themselves, "How can I ever possibly compete?"

But despite the overwhelming support, the deployment is not without its detractors. Still-alive Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC) strongly condemned the beefcake move, calling the hunky strutters "evil succubi, tempting me into a wicked wonderland of unnatural sins against God, filled with exciting, terrible perversions too arousing to describe."

Helms, visibly affected by the gyrating smorgasbord of man-flesh, led the Senate in a prayer for strength and resolve in this crisis. He then bathed repeatedly.

Some Middle East experts are questioning the mission as well. "The cultural differences between the two nations may render a beefcake assault ineffective," said Aftab Hourani of the Arab Nations Focus Commitee, a Harvard-based think tank. "After all, in fundamentalist Islamic cultures, male exotic dancers are traditionally required to remain covered at all times in flowing black robes that cover them from head to toe, and must remain motionless below the neck."

"It is an unfortunate possibility," Hourani continued, "that the strong warning indicated by the presence of these hearty slices of eye-popping man-candy, as seen on hit shows like Donahue and Sally Jessy Raphael, as well as in live appearances with the Chippendale's dance revue, will not be taken seriously."

More from this section

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

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