U.S. 'Sends Message' to Iraq With Massive Display of Beefcake

Top Headlines


ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

U.S. 'Sends Message' to Iraq With Massive Display of Beefcake

In a move designed to send a "definite message to the Hussein regime," President Clinton yesterday deployed three divisions of elite American beefcake to maneuver on the exotic, sun-drenched beaches of the Persian Gulf.

President Clinton responded to Iraqi aggression yesterday with a firm display of Grade A U.S. beef, heating up the Arabian sands like never before.

The decision, made in response to recent Iraqi U.N. violations and continued aggression against the Kurds, should put serious international pressure on Iraqi leadership, and is expected to heat up the Arabian sands like never before.

"While, technically, these deployments are merely training exercises, the thump of the disco beat and mouth-watering pectoral flexing and unflexing of these heavenly hunks will no doubt carry a very serious message to the miltary command at Baghdad," Pentagon spokesperson Stephen Galderman said. "That message is clear: One, the United States will not stand for continued Iraqi military expansion, and two, it's raining men."

Galderman later added, "Hallelujah!"

It is hoped that the rock-hard show of U.S. muscle, known to insiders as "Dreamboat Diplomacy," will deter further Iraqi attacks against Kurd encampments to the north, distracting Saddam Hussein and his top military advisors with the chiseled, oiled perfection of American hunkdom.

"My staff and I feel confident that this beefcake is USDA grade-A prime," Clinton told reporters. "Mmm-mmmm!"

While the skies overhead twinkle with the stars of the desert, the twinkling in the eyes of these luscious U.S. lads are sure to have all of Iraq seeing stars of their own. But will Hussein get the message?

Many observers feel the answer is yes. "With his thick mustache and dark features, Saddam Hussein cuts a strapping, manly figure, there's no denying it," said Sen. Clayton Jennings (R-FL), Chair of the Committee on Foreign Policy. "But let's face facts. The man's certainly no match for adorable Anton or great, big Burt."

President Bill Clinton

Marvin Balcombe, head of the prestigious National Foreign Policy Institute in Washington, DC, agreed. "Hussein's continued aggression against the Kurdish people demands a firm response," he said. "And I'm tellin' you right now, you don't get any firmer than this, baby. Six-foot-four, 200 pounds, rippling biceps, washboard abs. We're talking about a muscleboy militia on a mission to ecstasy."

The decision to mount the beefcake display could not have come at a more opportune time. Prolonged economic sanctions against Iraq have left many Iraqis unable to stay as pumped-up as they once were, and their confidence in their appearance is sure to be weakened. It is believed that nearly 70 percent of Iraq's soldiers feel insecure about their looks, especially in a bathing suit. After today's ultra-manly display, they will, U.S. strategists hope, think to themselves, "How can I ever possibly compete?"

But despite the overwhelming support, the deployment is not without its detractors. Still-alive Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC) strongly condemned the beefcake move, calling the hunky strutters "evil succubi, tempting me into a wicked wonderland of unnatural sins against God, filled with exciting, terrible perversions too arousing to describe."

Helms, visibly affected by the gyrating smorgasbord of man-flesh, led the Senate in a prayer for strength and resolve in this crisis. He then bathed repeatedly.

Some Middle East experts are questioning the mission as well. "The cultural differences between the two nations may render a beefcake assault ineffective," said Aftab Hourani of the Arab Nations Focus Commitee, a Harvard-based think tank. "After all, in fundamentalist Islamic cultures, male exotic dancers are traditionally required to remain covered at all times in flowing black robes that cover them from head to toe, and must remain motionless below the neck."

"It is an unfortunate possibility," Hourani continued, "that the strong warning indicated by the presence of these hearty slices of eye-popping man-candy, as seen on hit shows like Donahue and Sally Jessy Raphael, as well as in live appearances with the Chippendale's dance revue, will not be taken seriously."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close