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U.S. Signs Declaration Of Dependence On China

An artist’s depiction of the momentous signing of the Declaration of Dependence.
An artist’s depiction of the momentous signing of the Declaration of Dependence.

WASHINGTON—In what is certain to be regarded as a defining moment in the nation’s history, leading U.S. political figures gathered at the Capitol today to sign their names to the newly drafted Declaration of Dependence, formally proclaiming America’s total reliance on China.

The revolutionary pronouncement, which was ratified unanimously by representatives from across the United States, calls for formal recognition of American dependence and enumerates more than two dozen of the country’s specific dependencies on China, including a $282 billion trade deficit, the $1.15 trillion in U.S. bonds held by China’s central bank, and the fact that each of America’s 314 million residents would be utterly helpless without access to Chinese-produced clothing, plastic goods, and electronic devices every moment of every day.

“When in the course of commercial and financial events, it becomes necessary for one nation to affirm its absolute dependence on another, it is imperative for the subordinate people to declare the causes which impel them to feeble servitude,” the Declaration of Dependence begins. “We hold our complete, pathetic reliance on China to be self-evident, recognizing that all American citizens are created beholden, having ceded to China command over our unalienable rights, and that among these are Life, Liberty, and the accrual of Indebtedness.”

The historic document.

In addition to codifying how U.S. money and resources will be transferred directly to China, the document, handwritten on parchment, lays out how the Chinese government will henceforth officially dictate America’s domestic spending, foreign policy, the value of the dollar, and, in essence, the incomes and the very well-being of American citizens themselves.

Signatories to the declaration—among them President Barack Obama, all Republican and Democratic congressional leaders, and members of special delegations sent by each of the 50 states—reportedly delivered speeches backing the forfeiture of U.S. sovereignty to the Chinese government before gathering around a wooden table in the Senate chamber to authorize the landmark document.

Witnesses stated that Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner was the first to endorse the declaration, affixing his large, florid signature to the center of the document before uttering a warning to his colleagues that “we must all pay China together, or most assuredly we will all pay separately.”

According to sources, President Obama, now widely hailed as the father of American Dependence, authored the text over the course of 17 days, toiling by candlelight late into the night as he composed multiple drafts in an attempt to construct the purest representation of the American people’s wholesale subservience toward China.

Although politicians reportedly clashed over clauses in early drafts, such as exactly when to fully dismantle the U.S. manufacturing sector, all signatories, regardless of political party or ideology, are said to have come together in a rare display of unanimity to stand behind the final wording of the Declaration of Dependence, which includes a Mandarin translation on its reverse.

“While most citizens recognize that we’ve long been moving toward total reliance on China, there was a growing consensus among political thinkers that true dependence could only be achieved through a formal declaration for the ages,” said Edmund Kelleher, a political scientist at Yale University. “Considering the unmistakable rise of ‘Made in China’ labels, the 2.7 million American jobs lost to China over the past decade, and our abject reliance on their rare earth minerals, the importance of an official Declaration of Dependence cannot be overstated.”

“Indeed,” Kelleher added, “this document is a momentous symbol of American submissiveness that will have a guiding influence on U.S. citizens for generations to come.”

Following the proclamation’s signing, the pealing of bells could be heard throughout the country, as cheering citizens gathered in town squares nationwide for public readings of the document’s text. Many were reportedly overwhelmed with emotion at the official declaration of a conviction they had long felt in their hearts, while countless others proudly waved American flags manufactured in China.

“The Declaration of Dependence will surely become one of the most hallowed and influential texts in world history,” said historian Elaine Thurber, noting the original copy would be placed on permanent display in the National Archives. “That unmistakable spirit of dependence on China, which is a fundamental hallmark of the American people, is so eloquently embodied in this document’s timeless words.”

“Obama, Bernanke, Boehner—these larger-than-life figures who crafted this monumental declaration will long be remembered for their willingness to sacrifice everything for China,” Thurber continued. “Indeed, their names and deeds will be taught to all American schoolchildren for as long as our nation is allowed to exist by the Chinese.”

According to reports, an official copy of the declaration, which praises Chinese president Hu Jintao by name and pledges undying fealty to him, was dispatched immediately to Communist Party headquarters in Beijing, where the proclamation had been eagerly anticipated and was received with great satisfaction.

“Good,” President Hu is reported to have said aloud after reading the document. “Very good.”

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