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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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U.S. Soldiers Ask Rumsfeld If They Could Get Surprise Visit From Loved Ones Instead

BAGHDAD—Although U.S. troops in Iraq said they appreciated President Bush's recent surprise visit, thousands of them have petitioned the White House to arrange surprise visits from relatives and spouses as well. "As great as it was to get a visit from the commander in chief, given the choice, I'd rather see my mom," said Army Cpl. Emilio Salazar, who is serving his third tour of duty. "Or my dad, or even my girlfriend. I'm just saying, they could fit a lot of people on Air Force One." An estimated two-thirds of American military personnel in Iraq have signed the petition, with the other third saying that Iraq is still far too dangerous a place for anyone's loved ones to spend any time.

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