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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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U.S. Soldiers Ask Rumsfeld If They Could Get Surprise Visit From Loved Ones Instead

BAGHDAD—Although U.S. troops in Iraq said they appreciated President Bush's recent surprise visit, thousands of them have petitioned the White House to arrange surprise visits from relatives and spouses as well. "As great as it was to get a visit from the commander in chief, given the choice, I'd rather see my mom," said Army Cpl. Emilio Salazar, who is serving his third tour of duty. "Or my dad, or even my girlfriend. I'm just saying, they could fit a lot of people on Air Force One." An estimated two-thirds of American military personnel in Iraq have signed the petition, with the other third saying that Iraq is still far too dangerous a place for anyone's loved ones to spend any time.

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