U.S. Stock Market Soars After Bernanke’s Reassuring Comments About ‘Pacific Rim’

Top Headlines

Recent News

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Race Relations

U.S. Stock Market Soars After Bernanke’s Reassuring Comments About ‘Pacific Rim’

‘The Giant Monsters And Robots Look Fucking Amazing,’ Says Fed Chief

WASHINGTON—The U.S. stock market soared to record highs Thursday with the Dow industrial average rallying 144 points after Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke’s reassuring remarks that the gigantic monsters and robots in the summer blockbuster Pacific Rim looked “super fucking cool.” “I’m quite optimistic that for the foreseeable future, no other movie will even come close to topping the killer fucking battle scenes between those badass robots and crazy sea monster things,” said Bernanke, who guaranteed that investors would not be wasting their money on the upcoming Guillermo del Toro action film, claiming that the awesome CGI effects were totally worth paying “three extra measly bucks to see it in 3D.” “Have you seen the Hellboy movies? That guy comes up with totally crazy creatures. And you actually get to see goddamn robots, unlike those lame-ass Transformers movies. So much shit gets destroyed. Just a great popcorn flick.” At press time, Wall Street continued to have unprecedented gains after Bernanke announced that the film’s star, Charlie Hunnam, “has ‘Next Big Thing’ written all over him.”

Next Story