adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

U.S. Techno-Industrial Base Eroding Due To Foreign Competition

WASHINGTON, DC—With first-quarter Club Rotation Index figures the lowest in seven years, and imports outselling domestic 12-inches more than two-to-one, economic observers throughout the U.S. are sounding the alarm over the nation's rapidly declining techno-industrial base.

Some of Chicago's 20,000 out-of-work clubgoing elite line up for unemployment benefits. Such scenes are commonplace across the U.S., as the nation's once-great techno-industrial base struggles to keep up with European and Japanese imports.

"America faces a grave moment of crisis," said DJ Nathan Brackett, Secretary of Industrial and Hardcore, in a recent speech before Congress. "Vinyl imports from both Europe and Japan are threatening our nation's once-great techno-industrial power base. Our Gross National Beats Per Minute is at its lowest point since 1991. The message is clear: We must fuck up the mix, or all is lost."

In its late-'80s/early-'90s heyday, America's techno-industrial complex seemed unstoppable. Led by such formidable powers as Nine Inch Nails and Ministry, the U.S. achieved near-total dominance of the global dance-mix marketplace. Even in the traditionally insular Eurodisco field, the loud, banging, clamorous sound of American-made techno strongly influenced such foreign industrial powers as Front 242 and KMFDM.

Less than a decade later, however, the glory days of the American techno-industrial complex seem far away. With over 20,000 former clubgoing elite out of work in the warehouse district of Chicago, and the Detroit house scene over $7 billion in debt, bitterness over the nation's eroding techno-industrial base can be felt throughout its once-thriving industrial centers.

And with the rise of such overseas dope on wax as drum 'n' bass, ambient and jungle, the problem, experts say, is not going to go away any time soon.

In fact, many fear that foreign competition from such heavy-hitting imports as England's Prodigy and Chemical Brothers, Germany's Atari Teenage Riot and Japan's DJ Krush—whose rare vinyl imports fetch up to $29.99 domestically, even for a remix track—will overtake America's floundering techno-industrial base by the year 2000.

Many, including NYC illbient's DJ Spooky, contend that fault lies in American industrial's inability to adapt to the changing realities of modern times.

"We must retool America's angry, metallic, hard-edged industrial mix to better reflect the mellowtronic, groovadelic peace memes of the emergent global cyber-age," he said.

California's DJ Shadow agreed. "We are being beaten at our own game. Trip-hop was invented here, but right now, the British are simply doing it better," he said. "America has got to seriously remix its priorities."

In the face of the foreign dance-floor dominance, President Clinton is urging Congress to pump money into the revitalization of the nation's techno-industrial infrastructure.

"It is not enough to say, 'We must drop bass.' It is not enough to say, 'We must rock the crazy beats,'" President Clinton said Monday in a secret live appearance at D.C.'s famed underground The 930 Club. "If American techno is to become the world's leader once again, we must drop much bass; we must rock mad, phat-ass, crazy beats; and we must do so quick-fast in a hurry, 24-7, 365. And I am out."

Many conservatives in Congress, however, oppose to such change. "U.S. techno-industrial is hardcore, and it must stay hardcore," said Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT). "Would Al Jourgensen wear a T-shirt depicting smiley aliens telepathing 'Love' to their baggy-pantsed children? Techno should be about hate, not love. Techno is about wearing black and screaming, not standing in one place and swaying peacefully. I say, bring back the days of Skinny Puppy."

"Techno? Industrial? I am not familiar with these strange terms," said Rolling Stone magazine's Jann Wenner, speaking from one of his boats. "I do understand, however, that something called 'electronica' is the Next Big Thing. It says so right on the cover of our latest issue."

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close