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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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U.S. To Give Limestone-Based Economy A Shot Starting Next Week

'Sounds Weird, But You Never Know,' Officials Say

WASHINGTON—Facing a grim fiscal future made even more uncertain by the looming insolvency of Greece and Italy, the U.S. Treasury Department has announced the nation will switch over to a limestone-based economy beginning next Monday. "We're giving each American family 3 tons of Tennessee-quarried limestone, declaring 5 pounds of the rock to be equivalent to the value of one chicken, and then hoping people can figure it out from there," Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner said. "Sure, it may be a long shot, but we've more or less exhausted our options at this point. What do we have to lose?" At press time, speculators were driving up the price of limestone and creating an unsustainable bubble that will inevitably require a massive taxpayer bailout when it bursts.

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