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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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U.S. To Give Limestone-Based Economy A Shot Starting Next Week

'Sounds Weird, But You Never Know,' Officials Say

WASHINGTON—Facing a grim fiscal future made even more uncertain by the looming insolvency of Greece and Italy, the U.S. Treasury Department has announced the nation will switch over to a limestone-based economy beginning next Monday. "We're giving each American family 3 tons of Tennessee-quarried limestone, declaring 5 pounds of the rock to be equivalent to the value of one chicken, and then hoping people can figure it out from there," Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner said. "Sure, it may be a long shot, but we've more or less exhausted our options at this point. What do we have to lose?" At press time, speculators were driving up the price of limestone and creating an unsustainable bubble that will inevitably require a massive taxpayer bailout when it bursts.

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