U.S. To Give Limestone-Based Economy A Shot Starting Next Week

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

U.S. To Give Limestone-Based Economy A Shot Starting Next Week

'Sounds Weird, But You Never Know,' Officials Say

WASHINGTON—Facing a grim fiscal future made even more uncertain by the looming insolvency of Greece and Italy, the U.S. Treasury Department has announced the nation will switch over to a limestone-based economy beginning next Monday. "We're giving each American family 3 tons of Tennessee-quarried limestone, declaring 5 pounds of the rock to be equivalent to the value of one chicken, and then hoping people can figure it out from there," Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner said. "Sure, it may be a long shot, but we've more or less exhausted our options at this point. What do we have to lose?" At press time, speculators were driving up the price of limestone and creating an unsustainable bubble that will inevitably require a massive taxpayer bailout when it bursts.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close