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U.S. To Give Limestone-Based Economy A Shot Starting Next Week

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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U.S. To Give Limestone-Based Economy A Shot Starting Next Week

'Sounds Weird, But You Never Know,' Officials Say

WASHINGTON—Facing a grim fiscal future made even more uncertain by the looming insolvency of Greece and Italy, the U.S. Treasury Department has announced the nation will switch over to a limestone-based economy beginning next Monday. "We're giving each American family 3 tons of Tennessee-quarried limestone, declaring 5 pounds of the rock to be equivalent to the value of one chicken, and then hoping people can figure it out from there," Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner said. "Sure, it may be a long shot, but we've more or less exhausted our options at this point. What do we have to lose?" At press time, speculators were driving up the price of limestone and creating an unsustainable bubble that will inevitably require a massive taxpayer bailout when it bursts.

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