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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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U.S. To Host Foster Country

WASHINGTON, DC–At a press conference Monday, President Clinton confirmed that the U.S. is clearing out a portion of Montana to make room for foster country Ecuador. "Ecuador has been through some pretty rough times these last few years, bounced around from one foster homeland to another," Clinton said of the troubled South American nation, which lost its government in a March 1996 earthquake. "But it's a tough little nation, and with a lot of love and a little political stability, it's going to be just fine." Ecuador's previous host, Denmark, returned the country after just three weeks, complaining that it consumed too much of its food and petroleum.

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