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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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U.S. To Just Hand Terry Jones Over To Fundamentalist Muslims

'Have At Him,' Officials Say

GAINESVILLE, FL—In response to the uproar surrounding Terry Jones, the Florida pastor whose Koran-burning last month sparked riots in Afghanistan that have so far claimed at least 24 lives, the State Department announced today its plan to "just pack [Jones] up and ship him over there" so that fundamentalist Muslims can take out their anger on him directly. "We just want to let followers of Islam across the globe know that, hey, we're totally with you on this one, so do your worst," said U.S. deputy secretary of state Thomas Nides, who spoke to reporters this morning shortly after CIA agents secured Jones with duct tape and tossed him face-first into the cargo bay of a DC-9 aircraft. "You want to shove a Bible in his mouth and kick it through the back of his head? Fine with us. Want to behead him on the Internet? Send us the URL—we'd love to have a look." Officials also noted that if the world's radical Islamists are still angry after dealing with Jones, the U.S. has "dozens more just like him, so say the word."

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