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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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U.S. To Offer Tax Incentives To Companies That Do Not Openly Make World Worse At Every Turn

WASHINGTON—A growth-stimulus package introduced in Congress Thursday aims to provide tax incentives to companies that do not openly and unapologetically make the world a worse place than it already is. "We want to encourage American businesses not to commit blatantly destructive or fraudulent acts in plain sight where everyone can find out about them and get upset," Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said. "We all understand that companies need to stay competitive: Maybe you had to cut a few corners on safety and accidentally released thousands of gallons of toxins into the water supply, or maybe you skillfully exploited regulatory loopholes to dupe your customers out of every dollar possible. That's okay. As long as you make a reasonable effort to cover it up, you're still eligible for this tax credit." According to congressional sources, companies that openly make the world worse can continue to apply for the same tax breaks they've always gotten.

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