adBlockCheck

U.S. Treasury Cowboy Claims Something Done Spooked Economy

Top Headlines

Recent News

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

U.S. Treasury Cowboy Claims Something Done Spooked Economy

The U.S. Treasury Cowboy sets up camp on the National Mall.
The U.S. Treasury Cowboy sets up camp on the National Mall.

WASHINGTON—U.S. Treasury Cowboy Earl “Buck” Laramie gathered reporters around his campfire at sundown Monday, rustled them up some biscuits and bacon, and broke the bad news that “Somethin’ or someone done spooked the economy” recently, resulting in the nation’s financial system running wild and free across the high chaparral.

“Sometimes, with your economy, now, there just ain’t no puzzlin’ it out,” Laramie said as he ladled out beans and watched the sun set over the National Mall. “It might be a rattler, it might be the wind rustlin’ the sage, it might be rumors that strategic metal prices are going to spike and drive up the cost of microchips used in cell phones and computers resulting in a marked decrease in consumer spending. Could be anything, really.”

“Or could be it’s just plumb nothing at all—leastways, nothing a body can cipher out,” Laramie added. “Times like that, you don’t try and suss it. You just cinch your lasso tight, resist the urge to pursue a policy of austerity, and hold on tight as a tick on a long-tailed mare."

Earlier this year, Laramie said, the economy had a real spring in its gait, “lopin’ along about as saucy as you could ask” and holding itself like nothing in the world could put a hitch in its gitalong. Laramie confessed to having been “p’raps a bit too devil-may-care” about the economy’s mood, as it had been “poorly coming on a dog’s age there” and suddenly seeing it happy may have relaxed him “a mite too far.”

The nation’s Treasury Cowboy was appointed by President Obama in 2009.

According to Laramie, his worst fears were realized Sunday evening when, “just as a hangnail moon was peaking over the rim of the [Potomac River] valley, the economy reared, its eyes rolling wildly, and bolted for the horizon while shrieking fit to wake the dead.”

“Sure as shootin’, I got caught with my drawers down,” said Laramie, tipping back his battered Stetson hat with a leathery forefinger. “The economy was good and spooked. Bucked some, she did, sunfished all over on me and plumb near threw her bit, and she might be running still if I’d have loosened up the banking regulations the way the House Republicans wanted. But that’s no way to do it, no sir. You got to set tight and let this stuff play itself out till it’s winded, or you got yourself a case of the damn runaway inflation. And no way to bring it back.”

Laramie, the 46th Treasury Cowboy and an early Obama appointee, has been criticized by lawmakers on both sides of the aisle for his easygoing, laid-back attitude toward market controls and monetary policy, his plainspoken and sometimes rough-hewn manner, and his habit of sitting and playing harmonica on the political fence. His “high lonesome” policies of strong corporate regulation combined with highly structured small-investor incentives have caused some to consider him a champion of the little guy and others to brand him “a maverick,” a label he does not dispute.

However, he strongly rejected the suggestion that he wasn’t doing enough to rein in the skittish, twitchy economy. Hocking a large chaw of tobacco into the nearest spittoon with a resounding ring, he bellowed that those who favor a supposedly more secure “belt-and-suspenders” approach to Treasury policy only advocated such measures “on account of they’re cowardly polecats what can’t even trust their own pants.”

“The economy’s got to run until it’s plain tired of runnin’, is how it is,” Laramie said. “Once it’s tuckered out but good, it’ll be as biddable as you please. But until then, all a feller can do is follow and make sure it doesn’t get lost, founder in the recent panic regarding the potential abandonment of the euro, and do itself a mischief in the high cactus.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close