adBlockCheck

U.S. Treasury Cowboy Claims Something Done Spooked Economy

Top Headlines

Recent News

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

U.S. Treasury Cowboy Claims Something Done Spooked Economy

The U.S. Treasury Cowboy sets up camp on the National Mall.
The U.S. Treasury Cowboy sets up camp on the National Mall.

WASHINGTON—U.S. Treasury Cowboy Earl “Buck” Laramie gathered reporters around his campfire at sundown Monday, rustled them up some biscuits and bacon, and broke the bad news that “Somethin’ or someone done spooked the economy” recently, resulting in the nation’s financial system running wild and free across the high chaparral.

“Sometimes, with your economy, now, there just ain’t no puzzlin’ it out,” Laramie said as he ladled out beans and watched the sun set over the National Mall. “It might be a rattler, it might be the wind rustlin’ the sage, it might be rumors that strategic metal prices are going to spike and drive up the cost of microchips used in cell phones and computers resulting in a marked decrease in consumer spending. Could be anything, really.”

“Or could be it’s just plumb nothing at all—leastways, nothing a body can cipher out,” Laramie added. “Times like that, you don’t try and suss it. You just cinch your lasso tight, resist the urge to pursue a policy of austerity, and hold on tight as a tick on a long-tailed mare."

Earlier this year, Laramie said, the economy had a real spring in its gait, “lopin’ along about as saucy as you could ask” and holding itself like nothing in the world could put a hitch in its gitalong. Laramie confessed to having been “p’raps a bit too devil-may-care” about the economy’s mood, as it had been “poorly coming on a dog’s age there” and suddenly seeing it happy may have relaxed him “a mite too far.”

The nation’s Treasury Cowboy was appointed by President Obama in 2009.

According to Laramie, his worst fears were realized Sunday evening when, “just as a hangnail moon was peaking over the rim of the [Potomac River] valley, the economy reared, its eyes rolling wildly, and bolted for the horizon while shrieking fit to wake the dead.”

“Sure as shootin’, I got caught with my drawers down,” said Laramie, tipping back his battered Stetson hat with a leathery forefinger. “The economy was good and spooked. Bucked some, she did, sunfished all over on me and plumb near threw her bit, and she might be running still if I’d have loosened up the banking regulations the way the House Republicans wanted. But that’s no way to do it, no sir. You got to set tight and let this stuff play itself out till it’s winded, or you got yourself a case of the damn runaway inflation. And no way to bring it back.”

Laramie, the 46th Treasury Cowboy and an early Obama appointee, has been criticized by lawmakers on both sides of the aisle for his easygoing, laid-back attitude toward market controls and monetary policy, his plainspoken and sometimes rough-hewn manner, and his habit of sitting and playing harmonica on the political fence. His “high lonesome” policies of strong corporate regulation combined with highly structured small-investor incentives have caused some to consider him a champion of the little guy and others to brand him “a maverick,” a label he does not dispute.

However, he strongly rejected the suggestion that he wasn’t doing enough to rein in the skittish, twitchy economy. Hocking a large chaw of tobacco into the nearest spittoon with a resounding ring, he bellowed that those who favor a supposedly more secure “belt-and-suspenders” approach to Treasury policy only advocated such measures “on account of they’re cowardly polecats what can’t even trust their own pants.”

“The economy’s got to run until it’s plain tired of runnin’, is how it is,” Laramie said. “Once it’s tuckered out but good, it’ll be as biddable as you please. But until then, all a feller can do is follow and make sure it doesn’t get lost, founder in the recent panic regarding the potential abandonment of the euro, and do itself a mischief in the high cactus.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close