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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Better Not Fucking Blow It

MÖNCHENGLADBACH, GERMANY—In light of the enormous momentum and goodwill they are carrying with them into the Women's World Cup final in Frankfurt this Sunday, sources confirmed the U.S. women had better be damned sure they don't fucking blow it. "Their gutsy yet elegant win over Brazil got everyone behind them, and their victory over France—complete with the second Abby Wambach header in as many games—made them look like a team of destiny, so they'd better not fuck this one up, because they’ll look like complete idiots," thousands of bandwagon fans from across the United States said Wednesday, adding that if the team loses Sunday, its whole World Cup run will have been a fucking waste of everyone’s time. "I mean, if they shit the bed by not closing this deal, they'll at best be the answer to a trivia question for the rest of their lives, if not a punch line." Soccer fans in Japan, whose national team upset Sweden 3-1 to advance to the final, agreed, saying that if the Japanese women throw away the greatest underdog story of the past hundred years, they might as well not come home.

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