adBlockCheck

Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Better Not Fucking Blow It

MÖNCHENGLADBACH, GERMANY—In light of the enormous momentum and goodwill they are carrying with them into the Women's World Cup final in Frankfurt this Sunday, sources confirmed the U.S. women had better be damned sure they don't fucking blow it. "Their gutsy yet elegant win over Brazil got everyone behind them, and their victory over France—complete with the second Abby Wambach header in as many games—made them look like a team of destiny, so they'd better not fuck this one up, because they’ll look like complete idiots," thousands of bandwagon fans from across the United States said Wednesday, adding that if the team loses Sunday, its whole World Cup run will have been a fucking waste of everyone’s time. "I mean, if they shit the bed by not closing this deal, they'll at best be the answer to a trivia question for the rest of their lives, if not a punch line." Soccer fans in Japan, whose national team upset Sweden 3-1 to advance to the final, agreed, saying that if the Japanese women throw away the greatest underdog story of the past hundred years, they might as well not come home.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings