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U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Better Not Fucking Blow It

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Better Not Fucking Blow It

MÖNCHENGLADBACH, GERMANY—In light of the enormous momentum and goodwill they are carrying with them into the Women's World Cup final in Frankfurt this Sunday, sources confirmed the U.S. women had better be damned sure they don't fucking blow it. "Their gutsy yet elegant win over Brazil got everyone behind them, and their victory over France—complete with the second Abby Wambach header in as many games—made them look like a team of destiny, so they'd better not fuck this one up, because they’ll look like complete idiots," thousands of bandwagon fans from across the United States said Wednesday, adding that if the team loses Sunday, its whole World Cup run will have been a fucking waste of everyone’s time. "I mean, if they shit the bed by not closing this deal, they'll at best be the answer to a trivia question for the rest of their lives, if not a punch line." Soccer fans in Japan, whose national team upset Sweden 3-1 to advance to the final, agreed, saying that if the Japanese women throw away the greatest underdog story of the past hundred years, they might as well not come home.

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