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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Usain Bolt

Track and Field, 100m and 200m —Jamaica

Strength: Incredibly long legs allow him to finish the 100-meter dash in just four strides

World Records Held: All the good ones

Weakness: Amazingly fast up to 400 meters, but any farther than that he gets nauseous and starts vomiting

Shoes: Got his one pair all covered in sand, but is planning to get new ones at the Olympics

Favorite Showboat Maneuver: Sawing own legs off during final 10 meters

NEXT: Oscar Pistorius

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