Usain Bolt

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Usain Bolt

Track and Field, 100m and 200m —Jamaica

Strength: Incredibly long legs allow him to finish the 100-meter dash in just four strides

World Records Held: All the good ones

Weakness: Amazingly fast up to 400 meters, but any farther than that he gets nauseous and starts vomiting

Shoes: Got his one pair all covered in sand, but is planning to get new ones at the Olympics

Favorite Showboat Maneuver: Sawing own legs off during final 10 meters

NEXT: Oscar Pistorius

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