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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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U.S.–Cuba Relations End After Obama Hit By Foul Ball At Exhibition Baseball Game

HAVANA—Officially closing the brief period of eased tensions between the two countries, the United States government severed all diplomatic ties to Cuba today after President Obama was reportedly hit in the face by a foul ball while attending an exhibition baseball game between the Cuban national team and the Tampa Bay Rays. “Shortly after being struck just below the left eye by an errant line drive this afternoon, the president determined that the U.S. would terminate all humanitarian aid to Cuba, effective immediately,” said White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough, who stated that Obama was glancing down at his phone in the fifth inning when Cuban slugger Yosvani Alarcon Tardio drove a late-breaking pitch over the third-base dugout and directly into the commander-in-chief’s head, adding that the disoriented president, with blood gushing from his nose and covered in the contents of his bag of popcorn that had been sent flying by the impact, angrily refused the napkins and ice cubes offered to him by panicked Cuban diplomats. “The president decided to leave for the airport just moments after the incident, and while receiving first aid aboard Air Force One, repeatedly mentioned that visiting Cuba had been a mistake and that he will revoke the policy permitting certain forms of American tourism. At present, the president is recovering from his injuries, but he has stressed that the trade embargo will also remain in place indefinitely.” According to numerous political historians, the incident marks the lowest point in U.S.–Cuba relations since Fidel Castro’s 1959 visit to the White House when he was mauled by Vice President Richard Nixon’s dog, Checkers.

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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