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International

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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U.S.–Cuba Relations End After Obama Hit By Foul Ball At Exhibition Baseball Game

HAVANA—Officially closing the brief period of eased tensions between the two countries, the United States government severed all diplomatic ties to Cuba today after President Obama was reportedly hit in the face by a foul ball while attending an exhibition baseball game between the Cuban national team and the Tampa Bay Rays. “Shortly after being struck just below the left eye by an errant line drive this afternoon, the president determined that the U.S. would terminate all humanitarian aid to Cuba, effective immediately,” said White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough, who stated that Obama was glancing down at his phone in the fifth inning when Cuban slugger Yosvani Alarcon Tardio drove a late-breaking pitch over the third-base dugout and directly into the commander-in-chief’s head, adding that the disoriented president, with blood gushing from his nose and covered in the contents of his bag of popcorn that had been sent flying by the impact, angrily refused the napkins and ice cubes offered to him by panicked Cuban diplomats. “The president decided to leave for the airport just moments after the incident, and while receiving first aid aboard Air Force One, repeatedly mentioned that visiting Cuba had been a mistake and that he will revoke the policy permitting certain forms of American tourism. At present, the president is recovering from his injuries, but he has stressed that the trade embargo will also remain in place indefinitely.” According to numerous political historians, the incident marks the lowest point in U.S.–Cuba relations since Fidel Castro’s 1959 visit to the White House when he was mauled by Vice President Richard Nixon’s dog, Checkers.

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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

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