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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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USDA Rolls Out New School Brunch Program For Wealthier School Districts

WASHINGTON—Declaring that every affluent child in America has the right to a well-balanced brunch, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced the launch of a $40 million school brunch program aimed at distributing brioche french toast and smoked salmon to the nation’s richest school districts. “We found that 70 percent of students in wealthy communities were not receiving their recommended allowance of eggs Benedict and fresh-squeezed orange juice,” Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack told reporters Friday. “Quite simply, we believe all children of privilege deserve a proper, well-composed brunch plate with complimentary jalapeno cornbread mini muffins and honey butter on the side. With this new program, we can finally begin to offer the superior culinary experience that until now has been sorely missing in school cafeterias from Greenwich, CT to Palo Alto, CA.” Department officials said that if its brunch program proves successful, they remain open to the possibility of spending an additional $80 million annually to add live jazz music.

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