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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Use Of Organic Peanut Butter Adds Two Minutes To Local Man's Life

BERKELEY, CA–Vincent Dunst, manager of a Berkeley-area food cooperative, has added two minutes to his life by consuming organic peanut butter instead of major brands, health-food experts reported Monday. "Store-bought brands like Jif and Skippy are loaded with artificial emulsifiers and preservatives. Some of them even contain brown dyes to make them look more 'peanut buttery,'" Dunst said. "This all-natural Sunset Farms peanut butter contains absolutely nothing but fresh peanuts and a little bit of sea salt–and, as an added bonus, the jar is glass instead of plastic." Dunst has also added 22 seconds to his life by starting off each day with a frosty, fiber-rich "Bulgur Smoothie."

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