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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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USSR Wins Space Race As U.S. Shuts Down Shuttle Program

Thousands of Soviets gather in the Red Square to celebrate the USSR's victory.
Thousands of Soviets gather in the Red Square to celebrate the USSR's victory.

MOSCOW, USSR—Less than a week after the return of the Atlantis orbiter marked the end of the U.S. space shuttle program, the crowded streets and textile factories of Moscow erupted in celebration as the USSR officially declared victory over the United States in the Space Race.

"At long last, our great Soviet republic has conquered the West and achieved technological and ideological superiority over America," Kremlin representative Sergei Voronin said Wednesday, announcing the achievement to an audience of joyous beet farmers and steel factory laborers assembled in Red Square. "We have established our unrivaled dominion over the stars and planets and stand now at the dawn of a new era, an era in which the tenets of communism shall echo loudly across the Earth's entire expanse."

Soviet space stations like this one may soon number in the dozens, officials at the USSR's State Committee for Science and Technology say.

"Comrades, your hard work and sacrifice have finally paid off!" continued Voronin, his proud voice rising in excitement. "Let us honor this glorious day in Soviet history!"

The termination of NASA's space shuttle program marks the end of a nearly 54-year rivalry between the USSR and the United States to achieve superiority in space exploration. The communist state's solidification of its place as the world's predominant superpower has been observed with lavish military parades and celebrations in cities from Leningrad to East Berlin.

"While the Americans have allowed themselves to be distracted by wars and the search for oil, the USSR has always known that he who controls space leads the world," Premier Mikhail Gorbachev said in a statement. "Our scientists and cosmonauts have brought honor and glory to the Soviet people with their courage and unwavering commitment to communist ideals."

Sources confirmed that in commemoration of the capitalist defeat, extra bread and corn rations had been approved in all major cities, and factory workers were given time off their nine-hour work shifts to join in the festivities. Throughout the Eastern Bloc, pitchforks, hammers, Soviet flags, and large banners adorned with the face of Lenin were seen waving in the air as the excitement of the victory quickly spread.

"When we saw footage of the Atlantis touching down for the very last time, everyone in the tractor factory exploded with unbridled joy at the triumph of our republic," said Kiev assembly-line operator Yaroslav Biryukov, who marched in unison with a batch of laborers while loud refrains of the Soviet national anthem rang out through the streets. "We must now, all of us, work harder, harder than ever to seize this great moment in history."

Shock waves from the USSR's victory in the Space Race have been felt across the communist world, with grand celebrations reported in China, Cuba, North Korea, Yugoslavia, and Afghanistan.

The White House conceded its defeat earlier today, acknowledging the United States was unfit to compete with the USSR given today's harsh economic landscape.

"There is simply no way for us to match our Soviet rival, either in outer space or here on Earth," President Obama said in a televised press conference that drew wild cheers when broadcast to the USSR and its satellite states. "They simply have more advanced technology, better scientists, and a more stable society overall. We honestly never stood a chance."

"It's sad to say, but we'll be seeing Soviet cosmonauts on the moon for years before we see another American astronaut there," Obama continued. "I suppose this just goes to show that capitalism was never the right system after all."

With U.S. intelligence now reporting the Kremlin is at least a year and a half ahead of schedule on its current five-year economic plan, political analysts predict a dramatic shift in power will lead to the rapid Sovietization of the Western Hemisphere, a theory supported by the mass exodus of North American citizens to the USSR over the past year.

"It's only a matter of time before the Soviet Union has successfully spread its communist ideals throughout the entire world, and the United States must accept this grim fact," University of Virginia political scientist Michael Gates said. "We can deny the truth as much as we like, but we might as well face it: Our great experiment has failed."

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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

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