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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Utah Fans Concerned As Jazz Break Huddle By Shouting 'Kill The Mormons'

SALT LAKE CITY—An uneasy sense of anxiety overtook the crowd at EnergySolutions Arena Sunday as fans watched a pumped-up Jazz team break their pregame huddle by chanting, "One, two, three—kill the Mormons!" "Normally this team is pretty even-keeled, but tonight they're really scaring me," said season ticket holder Delton Stanger, who was terrified by the team's cheers of "Die, Mormons, die" and "We're coming for you, Mormons." "I just don't understand why all my favorite players want to kill us and why it's inspiring them to play with such passion." Utah fans were reportedly appalled when head coach Jerry Sloan used a dry-erase board to diagram how to find the Mormons, round them up, and kill them, but admitted their anger was tempered by the team's resultant 15-0 run.

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