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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Vacation-Bound Rush Limbaugh To Do Nothing But Golf And Respect Minorities For 2 Weeks

PALM BEACH, FL—Popular radio personality Rush Limbaugh said on his show Tuesday that he is going to Honolulu for a 10-day vacation during which he plans to break away from his daily routine and "just play a lot of golf, eat, sleep, and treat minorities with respect and dignity." "Ten solid days of hitting the links, catching up on some reading, and not making obscene or hurtful racial comments—can't wait," said Limbaugh, adding that once he touches down on the Hawaiian island he's going to play 36 holes at the Waialae Country Club and treat Hawaii's diverse population of indigenous islanders, Filipinos, Chinese, and Japanese with the same consideration he would give white people. "Don't get me wrong—I love my job and I enjoy working my ill-informed fans into a frenzy by tapping into their deep-seeded, ignorant fears of people who are different from them. But when I'm on vacation, the phone is off, I'm not checking e-mail, and I don't even want to think about making iffy slurs or insensitive impersonations until I have to punch back in." Limbaugh also promised that he wouldn't ruin the vacation for himself by thinking about how strange it is that he's so popular.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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