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Vacationer Checks Weather Report For Hometown

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Vacationer Checks Weather Report For Hometown

SAN FRANCISCO—Vacationing with her husband Tuesday, Judy Keck, 34, scanned The San Francisco Examiner over breakfast, looking for news about the weather in her hometown of Norfolk, VA, some 2,700 miles away. "Looks like it's starting to get nippy there," Keck said of the coastal Virginia city she will not return to for 10 days. "Bummer about the drizzling." Upon returning to her hotel room, Keck turned on The Weather Channel to check Norfolk's extended five-day forecast.

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