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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Vacationing Couple To Try Something They Don't Like

CANCUN, MEXICO—During their two-week winter holiday, Howard and Rosemary Gortenski of Arlington Heights, IL, have signed up for scuba lessons, even though both suspect that they will dislike the activity, the couple reported Tuesday. "Howard doesn't like to get his head wet, and I just don't see the point of getting all dressed up just to go under water for an hour," Gortenski said. "But vacations are for breaking out of the routine to experience what life has to offer, so I guess we have to try something new. It's this week or never." Gortenski said she'll make sure to secure some photos as proof of the couple's spontaneity.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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