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Vacationing Detective Just Going To Pretend Like He Didn't Even See Dead Body In The Woods

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CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

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Vacationing Detective Just Going To Pretend Like He Didn't Even See Dead Body In The Woods

KISSIMMEE, FL—Firmly reminding himself that he was off-duty, vacationing Minneapolis police detective Jack Ullman, 56, averted his gaze and kept walking as if he had not just spotted a human corpse in the underbrush of the woods near his hotel, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Nope, didn’t see it,” Ullman said to himself, reportedly making a concerted effort to forget about the bloated, lacerated body and focus on enjoying himself. “It’s someone else’s jurisdiction. Not about to deal with that. Even though there were clear signs of a struggle, what looked like blunt-force trauma to the head, and—no, no, Jack, put it out of your mind. This is your time to relax.” At press time, sources confirmed Ullman had resolved to take just one quick peek under the fingernails and leave it at that.

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