adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
End Of Section
  • More News

Vacationing Detective Just Going To Pretend Like He Didn't Even See Dead Body In The Woods

KISSIMMEE, FL—Firmly reminding himself that he was off-duty, vacationing Minneapolis police detective Jack Ullman, 56, averted his gaze and kept walking as if he had not just spotted a human corpse in the underbrush of the woods near his hotel, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Nope, didn’t see it,” Ullman said to himself, reportedly making a concerted effort to forget about the bloated, lacerated body and focus on enjoying himself. “It’s someone else’s jurisdiction. Not about to deal with that. Even though there were clear signs of a struggle, what looked like blunt-force trauma to the head, and—no, no, Jack, put it out of your mind. This is your time to relax.” At press time, sources confirmed Ullman had resolved to take just one quick peek under the fingernails and leave it at that.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close