Vacationing Woman Thinks Cats Miss Her

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Vol 37 Issue 02

Toilet-Paper Edge Given Classy Appearance With Triangular Fold

MISSOULA, MT–A roll of Charmin bathroom tissue in Room 316 of a Missoula Motel 6 was imbued with a regal air Monday when the maid service folded the edge of the first sheet into an eye-pleasing triangle. "I felt like a pampered duchess," motel guest Rachel Spencer said. "That's what I call 'living the high life.'" Spencer also gushed about the Motel 6 matchbook propped up in the center of a sparkling-clean ashtray.

Explosion Used To Signify Big Savings

WORCESTER, MA–In an ad for Kearns Home & Garden Center in Monday's Worcester Telegram & Gazette, a violent explosion was used as a visual metaphor for low prices on thousands of items throughout the store. "Don't miss our once-a-year 'Explosion Of Savings' event," read the ad, which equated the destructive detonation of trinitrotoluene (TNT) with great savings on everything from Black & Decker wet-dry vacs to tulip bulbs. "Start the new year with a 'bang' of a bargain!"

Bunch Of People Apparently Saw That Brendan Fraser Mummy Movie

SACRAMENTO, CA–A lot of people apparently saw that Brendan Fraser mummy movie, area resident Bill Whited said to himself Monday while watching a trailer for The Mummy Returns. "Wow, I guess a bunch of people out there saw that thing," Whited said of 1999's The Mummy. "I vaguely remember it being in theaters for a few weeks, but I guess it was big. What's next, The Whole Nine Yards II?" A sequel to 1999's The Whole Nine Yards is currently in pre-production at Paramount.

White House Guidance Counselor Recommends Clinton Consider Career In Hotel Management

WASHINGTON, DC–At his mandatory post-presidency appointment with White House guidance counselor Larry Schecht, Bill Clinton was encouraged to consider a career in hotel management Monday. "Your Myers Briggs score suggests you would do well in a variety of job fields," Schecht told Clinton. "You could be anything from an architect to a food scientist, but your strong people skills indicate you would make an ideal hotel manager." To learn more about the field, Schecht recommended that Clinton set up informational interviews at some Washington-area hotels, as well as complete the exercises in the book What Color Is Your Parachute?

Somehow, We'll Middle-Manage

Times are tough, no question. There have been more layoffs in the past six months here at ProVantage Solutions than in the previous five years combined. Salaries have not increased to match inflation. Revenues have fallen off sharply. I do not need to tell you that the road ahead looks long and dark. But be brave, my friends: There is light at the end of the tunnel. Through it all, somehow, we will middle-manage.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Vacationing Woman Thinks Cats Miss Her

VERO BEACH, FL–Annette Davrian, a 45-year-old Cedar Rapids, IA, bank teller, is spending her vacation time in a delusional haze this week, somehow managing to convince herself that her cats actually miss her.

Annette Davrian with cats Buttons and Bonkers.

"Buttons is so sensitive, I just know she's scared and frightened without her Mommy by her side," Davrian told uninterested relatives Monday, just hours after arriving in Florida. "And Bonkers gets so cranky when he doesn't get his morning treats. I hope they'll be able to handle this emotionally. I've always gone to great lengths to assure them that they're loved, but they've never been left alone this long before. If they think I've abandoned them, I'd never be able to forgive myself."

Animal behaviorists agree that cats are incapable of feeling sadness over an owner's absence, asserting that their only reaction to such an event would be a brief adjustment period to claim household territory previously thought to be the owner's.

Davrian, who has lived alone since the death of her mother nine years ago, has considered cutting her vacation short because of the cats' nonexistent longing for her to return.

"Those poor, precious kitties," she told a man in an elevator. "I'm all they've got in this world. What will they do without me?"

According to coworker Phil Gross, Davrian began worrying about her cats' imaginary sadness over her Florida trip nearly three weeks before leaving. On Jan. 8, Davrian expressed concern to Gross that the cats might not sufficiently "bond" with a stranger entrusted with their care. Based on this worry alone, she delayed her trip for two weeks, paying a large rescheduling fee for her plane ticket.

"She asked me to look after the cats while she was gone," neighbor Janet Pullman said. "I said sure, figuring I'd just have to feed them. Turns out, she wanted me to go in there three times a day and stay at least 20 minutes each time so the cats would feel 'adequately socialized.' Then she hands me a list of things to do that's, like, 40 items long."

Pullman admitted that she has not followed the elaborate instructions, merely filling up the cats' food and water bowls when they are empty.

"I just dump some Purina in the bowl, and I'm gone," Pullman said. "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."

Hoping to ease the pain and loneliness of her asocial, predatory pets, Davrian has left numerous long messages on her answering machine, claiming that the cats will appreciate hearing her voice. She also wrapped one of her sweaters around a pillow before leaving so Buttons and Bonkers would 'have a bit of me to snuggle with,' unaware that the cats' motivation for 'snuggling' is to maintain body temperature, not to feel emotionally connected to their food provider.

As a supplement to the answering-machine messages, Davrian left the clock radio playing in the bathroom "to keep the little ones company." Though the cats could not care less about the radio, the same cannot be said of neighbor Bob Franz, 49, whose bathroom shares a heating vent with Davrian's.

"I once heard [Davrian] say that [Bonkers] will get lonely without a human voice around to make him feel reassured," Franz said. "But the thing just sits in the window and watches birds all day, just the way it did before she left, and just the way it'll keep on doing after she gets back, every day until one of the two of them dies. Meantime, the damn radio yabbers on all day and night. That radio's probably more aware that the woman's gone than Bonkers."

The Florida excursion is not the first time Davrian has ruined her leisure time fretting about the cats. Since 1996, she has failed to enjoy 219 activities or excursions, including two trips to Lake Winnepesaukee, a visit to a local botanical garden, 23 movies, and three dinners–each of which she spent worrying about being "out of phone contact in case something goes wrong."

Davrian could not be reached for additional comment, as she had just cut short a sailing trip in order to, as brother-in-law Don Koechley said, "make sure the damn cats are okay."

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