Vain Galápagos Tortoise Trying To Pass For 90

Top Headlines

Recent News

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


Vain Galápagos Tortoise Trying To Pass For 90

TORTUGA BAY, GALAPAGOS­—Saying the aging reptile is “really embarrassing himself,” leading herpetologists expressed embarrassment Monday on behalf of Old Bill, a local giant tortoise who reportedly makes tremendous efforts to appear several decades younger than his actual 120 years. “Yeah, he’s not fooling anyone at this point,” said Dr. Ann Schoenherr of the Charles Darwin Research Station, claiming Bill has had his vertebral scutes brightened and often stretches his neck out in a futile attempt to make it look slightly less wrinkled. “The fungal growth on his carapace is a dead giveaway. It’s time for him to be honest with himself, accept his faded shell markings, and try to age with a little bit of dignity.” Schoenherr’s colleagues concurred, saying the tortoise should just relax and make the most of the 30 or 40 years he has left.