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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Vain Galápagos Tortoise Trying To Pass For 90

TORTUGA BAY, GALAPAGOS­—Saying the aging reptile is “really embarrassing himself,” leading herpetologists expressed embarrassment Monday on behalf of Old Bill, a local giant tortoise who reportedly makes tremendous efforts to appear several decades younger than his actual 120 years. “Yeah, he’s not fooling anyone at this point,” said Dr. Ann Schoenherr of the Charles Darwin Research Station, claiming Bill has had his vertebral scutes brightened and often stretches his neck out in a futile attempt to make it look slightly less wrinkled. “The fungal growth on his carapace is a dead giveaway. It’s time for him to be honest with himself, accept his faded shell markings, and try to age with a little bit of dignity.” Schoenherr’s colleagues concurred, saying the tortoise should just relax and make the most of the 30 or 40 years he has left.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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