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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Valentine's Day Stoning Runners-Up

The Onion News Network salutes the runners up to this year's Valentine's Day stoning. Don't worry, couples, there's always next year!

Watch coverage of the Valentine's Day Stoning here.

James Tracy and Claire Gomez - Sarasota, Florida
James and Claire were nominated this year after a video surfaced of them on YouTube doing a duet in which the pair, dressed in costume as Aladdin and Jasmine, earnestly sang "A Whole New World" to each other. James discarded his genie's lamp at the end of the performance saying "all my wishes have already come true” and then kissed Claire on the nose.

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Clay Pfeiffer and Blair Cole - Stamford, Connecticut
Clay and Blair were nominated primarily for their blog called called "Running on Love," a journal about running marathons together. Clay and Blair also took couples cooking classes at least once a month and usually fed each other the results.

Mike Davis and Alicia Berger - Portland, Oregon
Mike and Alicia were nominated after another Portland resident spotted them riding a tandem bike to the used bookstore on his street. Every Thursday night Mike would perform at a poetry open mike and recite love poems directly to Alicia, the most nauseating of which was called, "The Nape of Her Neck." Mike compiled his poetry into a 'zine that also featured his drawings of Alicia as a woodland goddess.

Paul Barry and Melissa Jacobson - Rye, New York
Paul and Melissa were nominated by Paul's bitter roommate Doug who tolerated nearly six "Pan-a-cake Saturdays" before choosing to live in his car rather than face the "Pan-a-cake Song" one more time. Doug was going through a divorce at the time.

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