adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
End Of Section
  • More News

Valentine's Day Stoning Runners-Up

The Onion News Network salutes the runners up to this year's Valentine's Day stoning. Don't worry, couples, there's always next year!

Watch coverage of the Valentine's Day Stoning here.

James Tracy and Claire Gomez - Sarasota, Florida
James and Claire were nominated this year after a video surfaced of them on YouTube doing a duet in which the pair, dressed in costume as Aladdin and Jasmine, earnestly sang "A Whole New World" to each other. James discarded his genie's lamp at the end of the performance saying "all my wishes have already come true” and then kissed Claire on the nose.

-->-->

Clay Pfeiffer and Blair Cole - Stamford, Connecticut
Clay and Blair were nominated primarily for their blog called called "Running on Love," a journal about running marathons together. Clay and Blair also took couples cooking classes at least once a month and usually fed each other the results.

Mike Davis and Alicia Berger - Portland, Oregon
Mike and Alicia were nominated after another Portland resident spotted them riding a tandem bike to the used bookstore on his street. Every Thursday night Mike would perform at a poetry open mike and recite love poems directly to Alicia, the most nauseating of which was called, "The Nape of Her Neck." Mike compiled his poetry into a 'zine that also featured his drawings of Alicia as a woodland goddess.

Paul Barry and Melissa Jacobson - Rye, New York
Paul and Melissa were nominated by Paul's bitter roommate Doug who tolerated nearly six "Pan-a-cake Saturdays" before choosing to live in his car rather than face the "Pan-a-cake Song" one more time. Doug was going through a divorce at the time.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close