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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Valiant Fact-Checkers Once Again Save American Political System From Descending Into Corruption

TAMPA, FL—By bringing to light the many factual inaccuracies in vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan’s speech to the Republican National Convention on Wednesday, a gallant group of fact-checkers has once again defended the unblemished honor of American electoral politics, protecting its famed innocence from any stain of corruption. “Ryan’s accusation that the president funneled $716 billion out of Medicare at the expense of senior citizens is highly misleading, and it also ignores the fact that Ryan himself has called for identical cuts in payments to health care providers,” read a statement posted by the gallant knights of PolitiFact, who, along with their courageous brethren at FactCheck.org, have ensured our political discourse remains forever unsullied by the slightest duplicity or fraud. “Furthermore, when Ryan asserted that Obama ignored the Simpson-Bowles Commission’s plan to resolve the debt crisis, he failed to mention that he was on that commission himself and actually voted against the plan.” With the entire American populace seeing the truth behind vice presidential nominee’s lies and adjusting its political sympathies accordingly, the noble and selfless band of fact-checkers rode off victoriously into the dark of night.

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