Value Of Psychic Phone Service Empirically Proven By Gary Coleman Endorsement

In This Section

Vol 31 Issue 20

Star Trek Introduces Alien Character With Totally Different Forehead Wrinkles

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a move expected to spark debate and excitement among fans, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine producers announced Monday that next week a new alien character will appear on the show possessing "completely different" forehead wrinkles from those of any previous alien. According to make-up artist Rick Baker, "We're very excited to feature a character whose forehead wrinkles look nothing like those of either a Klingon or Romulan or Bajoran or Ferengi or Cardassian. They're like no other forehead wrinkles we've ever created."

Everything A Joke To Local Teen

KLAMATH FALLS, OR—It was revealed Tuesday that everything—from school work to Sunday church services, from requests to clean up his room to inquisitions regarding his future employment prospects—is a joke to area teen Denny Norris. "Everything's a joke to that punk," Denny's father, Walter Norris, said. "I asked him to mow the lawn two weeks ago, and just look at it. He'll go out with his friends, but when was the last time he helped out around here, for crying out loud?" In addition to categorizing all occurrences as jokes, Norris reportedly believes he is going to have it made in the shade forever. When asked for comment by reporters, Norris stated, "Yeah, I got a comment for you: Suck my ass." In speaking to the press, Norris did not identify himself by his given name, but rather by the alternate name of "Heywood Jablomi."

Rwandan Refugees Angered Over Lack Of AOL Access

BRAZZAVILLE, CONGO—A group of more than 100,000 Rwandan refugees, forced from their homes by war and ravaged by starvation, are now facing a new problem: the difficulty or outright inability to connect to America Online. "Last night I spent almost an hour trying to connect," Ndeti Mwana, 31, said, "and still I could not. I have not played NTN trivia in over a week." Countless other refugees are praying that they have not missed any important e-mail. AOL officials are working around the clock with the U.N.'s High Commission For Refugees to set up makeshift emergency e-mail stations along the Rwanda-Congo border. "I fear the gods have forsaken us," refugee Malanda Lumbushi said. "Will I ever chat with my e-pal, Vader1138, again?"

Heroin Chic

President Clinton spoke out last week against "heroin chic," the glamorization of heroin use through fashion ads depicting emaciated, strung-out-looking models. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Partying

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Value Of Psychic Phone Service Empirically Proven By Gary Coleman Endorsement

HOLLYWOOD, CA—The psychic phone-service industry is reeling following Monday's announcement by actor Gary Coleman that the Psychic Friends Network is by far the best psychic advisement service available—the first-ever incontrovertible proof of the service's superiority over its competitors.

In an announcement that has shifted the balance of power within the psychic phone-service industry, Gary Coleman endorses the Psychic Friends Network before a national television audience.

"When someone told me to try one of those other psychic clubs, I said, 'What are you talking about?'" Coleman said in a nationally televised announcement which aired at 3 a.m. on CBS. "There's only one true psychic phone service: The Psychic Friends Network."

Coleman, who portrayed Arnold Jackson on TV's Diff'rent Strokes from 1978 to 1985, had until Monday remained silent on the subject of which service offers the best psychic advice. The long-awaited endorsement has sent shockwaves through the $2 billion psychic industry.

"Until now, it has not been clear which psychic phone service is truly the best," said professor Clement Dewey of Princeton University. "But now that Gary Coleman has formally endorsed the Psychic Friends Network, this changes everything. Those 'imitation' psychic lines are through. The truth has come out, and we are all the better for it."

PFN celebrity spokesperson and internationally renowned recording star Dionne Warwick was pleased with the Coleman announcement.

"We have always been proud of our hard-working team of master psychics," Warwick said. "But now, after receiving Mr. Coleman's seal of approval, we finally have undeniable proof that we are the only legitimate psychic service."

Top PFN psychic Linda Georgian agreed, saying, "All it takes is a telephone and an open mind. Call now for your free 15-minute reading!"

In the wake of Monday's endorsement, millions of Americans who postponed choosing a psychic phone service until Coleman went public with a preference are now seeking advice from PFN's staff of expert counselors.

"I presumed that those psychic lines were all phony," said Gail Saunders of Escondido, CA. "Now, with Mr. Coleman's endorsement, the universe seems a very different place. There are forces out there that we don't understand—forces we cannot confront alone. And I'd like to thank Gary for making me understand that."

Added Saunders: "Will you excuse me? I have to go call my psychic. The last time we spoke, I asked her about marriage, and she said she saw a tall, dark, handsome millionaire on the horizon. That's exactly what I wanted to hear!"

In a press statement responding to Coleman's announcement, longtime skeptic and debunker of the paranormal James "The Amazing" Randi said: "I wish to formally retract all of my past statements which implied that psychic phenomena were dubious or false. Clearly, the psychic service which can convince Gary Coleman of its validity is one to be respected, even feared. I pray that they will forgive a foolish old man who spoke without thinking."

According to Advertising Age managing editor George Lysham, Coleman has long been considered infallible among sitcom veterans, his views second only to those of famed Glad Trash Bags pitchman Tom Bosley.

"Remember, Coleman was not just the star of eight seasons of Diff'rent Strokes," Lysham said. "We're talking about the star of The Kid With The Broken Halo and that movie where he slept in the locker at the bus station. His opinions are not to be dismissed lightly."

As a result of the Coleman endorsement, celebrity endorsers of other psychic phone lines are scrambling to reorganize their lives. Ted Lange and Elke Sommer of Kenny Kingston's Psychic Hotline have publicly renounced Kingston, and Psychic Encounters spokespersons Nichelle Nichols and Lady Sunshine have reportedly gone into hiding.

Future infomercials for PFN will replace the disclaimer, "For entertainment purposes only," with the statement, "Everything claimed by PFN psychics is guaranteed 100 percent true by authority of Gary Coleman, former television star and world-renowned psychic verification expert."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More