adBlockCheck

Value Of Psychic Phone Service Empirically Proven By Gary Coleman Endorsement

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Value Of Psychic Phone Service Empirically Proven By Gary Coleman Endorsement

HOLLYWOOD, CA—The psychic phone-service industry is reeling following Monday's announcement by actor Gary Coleman that the Psychic Friends Network is by far the best psychic advisement service available—the first-ever incontrovertible proof of the service's superiority over its competitors.

In an announcement that has shifted the balance of power within the psychic phone-service industry, Gary Coleman endorses the Psychic Friends Network before a national television audience.

"When someone told me to try one of those other psychic clubs, I said, 'What are you talking about?'" Coleman said in a nationally televised announcement which aired at 3 a.m. on CBS. "There's only one true psychic phone service: The Psychic Friends Network."

Coleman, who portrayed Arnold Jackson on TV's Diff'rent Strokes from 1978 to 1985, had until Monday remained silent on the subject of which service offers the best psychic advice. The long-awaited endorsement has sent shockwaves through the $2 billion psychic industry.

"Until now, it has not been clear which psychic phone service is truly the best," said professor Clement Dewey of Princeton University. "But now that Gary Coleman has formally endorsed the Psychic Friends Network, this changes everything. Those 'imitation' psychic lines are through. The truth has come out, and we are all the better for it."

PFN celebrity spokesperson and internationally renowned recording star Dionne Warwick was pleased with the Coleman announcement.

"We have always been proud of our hard-working team of master psychics," Warwick said. "But now, after receiving Mr. Coleman's seal of approval, we finally have undeniable proof that we are the only legitimate psychic service."

Top PFN psychic Linda Georgian agreed, saying, "All it takes is a telephone and an open mind. Call now for your free 15-minute reading!"

In the wake of Monday's endorsement, millions of Americans who postponed choosing a psychic phone service until Coleman went public with a preference are now seeking advice from PFN's staff of expert counselors.

"I presumed that those psychic lines were all phony," said Gail Saunders of Escondido, CA. "Now, with Mr. Coleman's endorsement, the universe seems a very different place. There are forces out there that we don't understand—forces we cannot confront alone. And I'd like to thank Gary for making me understand that."

Added Saunders: "Will you excuse me? I have to go call my psychic. The last time we spoke, I asked her about marriage, and she said she saw a tall, dark, handsome millionaire on the horizon. That's exactly what I wanted to hear!"

In a press statement responding to Coleman's announcement, longtime skeptic and debunker of the paranormal James "The Amazing" Randi said: "I wish to formally retract all of my past statements which implied that psychic phenomena were dubious or false. Clearly, the psychic service which can convince Gary Coleman of its validity is one to be respected, even feared. I pray that they will forgive a foolish old man who spoke without thinking."

According to Advertising Age managing editor George Lysham, Coleman has long been considered infallible among sitcom veterans, his views second only to those of famed Glad Trash Bags pitchman Tom Bosley.

"Remember, Coleman was not just the star of eight seasons of Diff'rent Strokes," Lysham said. "We're talking about the star of The Kid With The Broken Halo and that movie where he slept in the locker at the bus station. His opinions are not to be dismissed lightly."

As a result of the Coleman endorsement, celebrity endorsers of other psychic phone lines are scrambling to reorganize their lives. Ted Lange and Elke Sommer of Kenny Kingston's Psychic Hotline have publicly renounced Kingston, and Psychic Encounters spokespersons Nichelle Nichols and Lady Sunshine have reportedly gone into hiding.

Future infomercials for PFN will replace the disclaimer, "For entertainment purposes only," with the statement, "Everything claimed by PFN psychics is guaranteed 100 percent true by authority of Gary Coleman, former television star and world-renowned psychic verification expert."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close