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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.
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Value Of U.S. Dollar Plummets After Joe Flacco Signs NFL's Richest Contract

BALTIMORE—Economists expressed shock this week as the value of the U.S. dollar plunged by more than 98 percent after Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco signed the NFL’s richest contract.

Flacco, who was ranked 19th in the NFL for completion percentage during the 2012 season, received a six-year, $120.6 million deal, abruptly triggering the most catastrophic collapse of U.S. currency in American history.

“Unfortunately, the discouraging reports that Joe Flacco is now the highest-paid player in the NFL have had a devastating impact on U.S. exchange rates,” said chairman of the Federal Reserve Ben Bernanke, chastising the Ravens for the disastrous and irresponsible financial mistake that severely crippled the purchasing power of the dollar. “It was an ill-advised and reckless move to pay that much money to a quarterback who has never been selected to a Pro Bowl.”

“The Baltimore Ravens have single-handedly made the dollar worthless,” added Bernanke.

The Federal Reserve confirmed the value of the dollar was pummeled by Flacco’s $29 million signing bonus, which alone made the U.S. currency less valuable than the Indonesian rupiah and the Tanzanian shilling. In addition, global anxiety over specific details of the agreement, which included $52 million in guaranteed money for a quarterback who threw fewer touchdowns in 2012 than Josh Freeman, Andy Dalton, and Tony Romo, has thrown world markets into chaos.

The deal, which pays Flacco $62 million in the first three years, has already significantly increased the price of imports, caused astronomical inflation, and prompted panicked foreign governments to frantically move their currency reserves away from the U.S. dollar.

“It’s heartbreaking that one horribly misguided decision by the Ravens resulted in the decimation of 401(k) accounts, stocks, bonds, and pension funds for millions of hardworking Americans,” said White House economist Alan Krueger. “I still can’t believe they risked the financial well-being of so many people by paying Flacco more than Drew Brees.”

“Flacco just chucks every ball up for grabs and lucks out whenever his receivers catch one of his shitty throws,” added Krueger. “No wonder my pack of gum cost $850 yesterday.”

With the dollar significantly weakened and valued at almost nothing, NFL general managers reportedly feared that the unprecedented decline in U.S. currency could have major consequences on free agency and contract extensions for players who are more talented, athletic, and consistent than Joe Flacco.

At press time, the Green Bay Packers were reportedly finalizing a six-year, $989 trillion deal with quarterback Aaron Rodgers.

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