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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Value Of U.S. Dollar Plummets After Joe Flacco Signs NFL's Richest Contract

BALTIMORE—Economists expressed shock this week as the value of the U.S. dollar plunged by more than 98 percent after Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco signed the NFL’s richest contract.

Flacco, who was ranked 19th in the NFL for completion percentage during the 2012 season, received a six-year, $120.6 million deal, abruptly triggering the most catastrophic collapse of U.S. currency in American history.

“Unfortunately, the discouraging reports that Joe Flacco is now the highest-paid player in the NFL have had a devastating impact on U.S. exchange rates,” said chairman of the Federal Reserve Ben Bernanke, chastising the Ravens for the disastrous and irresponsible financial mistake that severely crippled the purchasing power of the dollar. “It was an ill-advised and reckless move to pay that much money to a quarterback who has never been selected to a Pro Bowl.”

“The Baltimore Ravens have single-handedly made the dollar worthless,” added Bernanke.

The Federal Reserve confirmed the value of the dollar was pummeled by Flacco’s $29 million signing bonus, which alone made the U.S. currency less valuable than the Indonesian rupiah and the Tanzanian shilling. In addition, global anxiety over specific details of the agreement, which included $52 million in guaranteed money for a quarterback who threw fewer touchdowns in 2012 than Josh Freeman, Andy Dalton, and Tony Romo, has thrown world markets into chaos.

The deal, which pays Flacco $62 million in the first three years, has already significantly increased the price of imports, caused astronomical inflation, and prompted panicked foreign governments to frantically move their currency reserves away from the U.S. dollar.

“It’s heartbreaking that one horribly misguided decision by the Ravens resulted in the decimation of 401(k) accounts, stocks, bonds, and pension funds for millions of hardworking Americans,” said White House economist Alan Krueger. “I still can’t believe they risked the financial well-being of so many people by paying Flacco more than Drew Brees.”

“Flacco just chucks every ball up for grabs and lucks out whenever his receivers catch one of his shitty throws,” added Krueger. “No wonder my pack of gum cost $850 yesterday.”

With the dollar significantly weakened and valued at almost nothing, NFL general managers reportedly feared that the unprecedented decline in U.S. currency could have major consequences on free agency and contract extensions for players who are more talented, athletic, and consistent than Joe Flacco.

At press time, the Green Bay Packers were reportedly finalizing a six-year, $989 trillion deal with quarterback Aaron Rodgers.

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