Value Of U.S. Dollar Plummets After Joe Flacco Signs NFL's Richest Contract

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Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

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Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

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Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

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Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

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Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

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The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

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Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

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James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

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Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

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Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

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Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

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CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Value Of U.S. Dollar Plummets After Joe Flacco Signs NFL's Richest Contract

BALTIMORE—Economists expressed shock this week as the value of the U.S. dollar plunged by more than 98 percent after Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco signed the NFL’s richest contract.

Flacco, who was ranked 19th in the NFL for completion percentage during the 2012 season, received a six-year, $120.6 million deal, abruptly triggering the most catastrophic collapse of U.S. currency in American history.

“Unfortunately, the discouraging reports that Joe Flacco is now the highest-paid player in the NFL have had a devastating impact on U.S. exchange rates,” said chairman of the Federal Reserve Ben Bernanke, chastising the Ravens for the disastrous and irresponsible financial mistake that severely crippled the purchasing power of the dollar. “It was an ill-advised and reckless move to pay that much money to a quarterback who has never been selected to a Pro Bowl.”

“The Baltimore Ravens have single-handedly made the dollar worthless,” added Bernanke.

The Federal Reserve confirmed the value of the dollar was pummeled by Flacco’s $29 million signing bonus, which alone made the U.S. currency less valuable than the Indonesian rupiah and the Tanzanian shilling. In addition, global anxiety over specific details of the agreement, which included $52 million in guaranteed money for a quarterback who threw fewer touchdowns in 2012 than Josh Freeman, Andy Dalton, and Tony Romo, has thrown world markets into chaos.

The deal, which pays Flacco $62 million in the first three years, has already significantly increased the price of imports, caused astronomical inflation, and prompted panicked foreign governments to frantically move their currency reserves away from the U.S. dollar.

“It’s heartbreaking that one horribly misguided decision by the Ravens resulted in the decimation of 401(k) accounts, stocks, bonds, and pension funds for millions of hardworking Americans,” said White House economist Alan Krueger. “I still can’t believe they risked the financial well-being of so many people by paying Flacco more than Drew Brees.”

“Flacco just chucks every ball up for grabs and lucks out whenever his receivers catch one of his shitty throws,” added Krueger. “No wonder my pack of gum cost $850 yesterday.”

With the dollar significantly weakened and valued at almost nothing, NFL general managers reportedly feared that the unprecedented decline in U.S. currency could have major consequences on free agency and contract extensions for players who are more talented, athletic, and consistent than Joe Flacco.

At press time, the Green Bay Packers were reportedly finalizing a six-year, $989 trillion deal with quarterback Aaron Rodgers.