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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Vast Array Of Lip-Balm Options Paralyzes Shopper

PLANT CITY, FL–Looking for relief for her dry, chapped lips, Walgreens shopper Danielle Liddle was paralyzed with indecision Monday upon confronting the store's vast, intimidating array of lip balms. "I just wanted some simple lip balm, and there was this entire wall," Liddle said. "Blistex, Carmex, Chap Stick, Bonne Bell Lip Smackers, Vaseline Lip Therapy, Burt's Beeswax–I didn't even know how to begin the selection process." After nearly 30 minutes of browsing, Liddle narrowed her choices down to Blistex mint, Walgreens cherry medicated, and Chap Stick Ultra SPF 30.

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