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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Vatican County Fair Sets Record For World's Largest Communion Wafer

VATICAN COUNTY—Shattering the previous Eucharistic weight record set by Cincinnati’s Sisters of Mercy convent, the Catholic Church’s College of Cardinals confirmed Friday it has baked an 800-pound communion wafer, the heaviest ever recorded, for this weekend’s Vatican County Fair. “That there’s the biggest body of Christ under the sun, friend,” said Cardinal Angelo Sodano, who personally carved the image of the cross onto the 16-foot-wide wafer. “A full foot thick, batter-dipped, and completely unleavened.” After the colossal host is displayed alongside the fair’s butter sculpture of the Crucifixion and its 450-pound blue-ribbon bishop, each of the 40,000 paying attendees will reportedly receive a piece of the wafer and 32 ounces of wine in a commemorative plastic cup.

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