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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Vatican Employees Unable To Relax At Holiday Party With Pope Around

VATICAN CITY—According to various cardinals and nuns attending the Vatican's holiday party last night, festivities were made awkward by the unexpected appearance of Pope Benedict XVI. "[Prefect Emeritus] Bernardin [Gantin] was about to bust out his St. Bridget impression, which is just spot on, but then the pope walked over and we quickly changed the subject to the sacred presence of the Holy Spirit during transubstantiation," said a cardinal speaking on the condition of anonymity, adding that Pope Benedict's "way too formal" attire made everyone feel even more ill at ease. "He said he didn't want to talk about work, but guess who was the first one to make a segue from our favorite local restaurants to the Bangorian Controversy with the Church Of England?" Several Vatican employees recalled "the good old days" when Pope John Paul II turned a blind eye to their attempts to get the secretaries drunk playing "Never Have I Ever."

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