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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Vatican Rescinds 'Blessed' Status Of World's Meek

VATICAN CITY—In a historic reversal of its nearly 2,000-year-old pro-meek stance, the Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it is permanently rescinding the traditional "blessed" status of the world's meek.

Pope John Paul II

"Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said, 'Blessed are the meek,'" said Pope John Paul II in a papal bull read before the College of Cardinals. "However, there has always been a tacit understanding between the Church and the meek that this 'blessed' status was conditional upon their inheritance of the earth, an event which seems unlikely to happen anytime in the foreseeable future. Our relationship, therefore, must be terminated."

"Screw the meek," the pope added.

Citing "two millennia of inaction and non-achievement" by the world's impoverished and downtrodden, the pope contended that the meek's historic inability to improve their worldly status constituted "bad faith" on their part.

"Twenty centuries should have been more than enough time for them to inherit the earth," the Supreme Pontiff said. "For years, the Catholic Church has made every effort to help them, but at some point, enough is enough. We are patient, but we are not saints."

Catholic leaders around the world were vocal in their support of the pope.

"The meek have abused their blessed status for far too long now," said Bernard Law, Archbishop of Boston. "From the Renaissance to the Industrial Revolution to the current Global Information Age, the meek have always somehow managed to sit back and do nothing while others worked hard to make advances and improve their lives. They have collected the Catholic Church's spiritual welfare checks for long enough."

Some of the world's estimated 3.4 billion meek.

"Everything about the meek, from their simple garments to their quiet demeanors to their utter lack of can-do spirit, goes against Church philosophy," Cardinal Jean-Claude Turcotte of Montréal said. "Sitting back and expecting the Lord to provide is not the type of behavior for which the Church should be rewarding its followers."

The change in policy toward the meek is also rooted in financial considerations: According to Vatican statistics, though more than 80 percent of the world's Catholics live below the poverty line, the Catholic Church receives less than 2 percent of its annual earnings of $395 billion from such people.

"The meek's blessed status was originally bestowed upon them by Jesus Christ Himself, but there is enough latitude in His gospels and teachings to allow us discretion in this manner," the pope said, "especially in light of the financial goals of the Church as it enters the 21st century. From this day forward, the Church position shall be, 'Blessed are the affluent, for they have indeed inherited the Earth.'"

In an effort to move away from its traditional meek core demographic and attract more upscale worshipers, Vatican officials announced a number of changes for the Gospels. Among them: Christ shall be said to have been born in a rustic-but-spacious birthing suite and not a manger, with the amount of gold and frankincense bestowed upon Him by the wise men quadrupled and the amount of myrrh halved; it shall henceforth be as easy for a rich man to enter Heaven as it is for a camel to pass through a heated three-car garage; and the episode between Christ and the moneylenders in the temple shall from now on be interpreted as an internecine argument over appropriately aggressive fundraising tactics.

According to Holy See spokesperson Salvatore Vittorio, a new Catholic Church payment plan has been established, with blessedness and God's everlasting love free of charge once a nominal baptism/membership fee has been paid. For an additional fee, Catholics can become "Gold Circle" members of the Church, entitling them to such perks as forgiveness, sainthood and special priority seating at the right hand of the Father upon death.

"We do not wish the Church to become completely exclusionary,' Vittorio said. "If any of the former meek wish to change their ways, they may certainly do so. But it won't be the free ride they got before, I can promise you that."

"The Lord will provide, of course," the pope said. "But He also helps those who help themselves, if you know what I mean."

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